Since young, I see myself as soft spoken and shy who can't open up to people easily... In other words, I can be said to be an Introvert. I dislike interactions since I will get all sort of inner thoughts like 'does he/she(the one I interacted with) dislike me or find me weird?' 'Ugh, I messed up. Now he/she will think I am like some weirdo...' More than the fact that I hate the crowds, I hate the fact that I will be hated by people and that... Will just simply end with me having no worth value. I don't have much self-esteem... I only have one wish, one dream, one goal. That is to get accepted and be needed by people. I want to be remembered and not forgotten even after my death. Somehow, not being needed seem worse than dying...
I still remembered a certain incident in my secondary school or middle school. I was shy; very shy that I find it hard to start a conversion... At that time, I was and am still a fan of manga. I saw a manga called vampire knight on my classmate's desk. I can't helped but stared at it, wanting to read it. I thought of asking that classmate of mine but... She struck me as a fierce person, thus I didn't dare to approach her; let alone talk to her... The whole day in class, whenever I saw the manga, I can't help but wanted to read yet pondered how to approach her. In the end, I decided to give her a note but... My inner thoughts came in, telling me, 'what if she think I am some weirdo for using a note when she's just sitting in front of me...' Hence, it was after school ended and my classmates are all preparing to go home. I give the note to a close friend of hers who I somewhat become acquainted during my orientation due to some circumstances that I still feel thankful. (Since if that meeting did not happen, then I wouldn't meet her. And then, I wouldn't have friends I have today!) The person I was acquainted(and is now my friend) passed the note and without much thoughts, she lend me the book and I was like, 'Oh gosh, it was that simple and here I was worrying so much...' Since then, my opinion of her got better as she wasn't that scary at all but rather a kind and gentle friend I have now though I still feel bad of a certain accident I had with her due to my haste...(Sigh...)
I don't know why, how but I think being an introvert isn't a defect but rather the society sees it as bad, especially in the eyes of the extroverts... I researched a bit on introverts and see their good points. It is not all that bad since introverts may just have some characters or personalities that employers nowadays can't find like being polite, respecting their elders and etc. However, like always, it is hard for introverts to present themselves and allow people to see them when they can't interact well. (Sigh...) Like one of the pages I saw and read, introverts have their own ways of interactions; different from extroverts. And they may have a few friends but those friends they have are close ones that they will be loyal to! Also, sometimes people only just see the surface, thinking introverts are anti-social when in reality, they simply interact less; much less then extroverts but that does not mean they don't interact at all. For my case, I interact when needed to. If it is on a topic I like, even if it is strangers talking to me, I'm sure I'll enjoy the interactions.
As a person who get easily swayed by comments, sometimes I force myself to do something I hate. There are times when I feel that I have a choice so why should I force myself? Forcing myself will bring no happiness yet... Another inner thought I have is that, if I use that excuse, won't I just be running away than facing it? That just simply stop my excuse and thus force myself even though my heart told myself not to while my brain says otherwise... In other words, I am in conflict right now as I have a group interview tomorrow. I don't mind an one on one but a group... It never crosses my mind. I just can't do it and then the conflict begins. This time...I wondered if I can be a little selfish...
Sorry for the much ramblings. With the interviews I have to do, I can't help but pen down my thoughts. In addition, there are the University application forms to fill in. It's kinda hard to keep my emotions in check. A little update: the new manga phase 3 is now done and phase 4 will start tomorrow which may last a few days.
That's all for today then! This is Will signing off, ja ne~
Dark~
No comments:
Post a Comment