Many things have happened(since my last post)
And, it's already 6 weeks into my internship; another 14 weeks to go- You can see how much I wish for its end(for now...)
Internship...
I wouldn't say I hate it(my current internship job) but it's just that it's kinda... How do I say this?- Can't really say boring cos I got a task to make an android app but I'm finding it hard to learn or rather understand cos the language is slightly towards a higher level than Arduino...
It just isn't straight forward like Arduino and the samples aren't helping either; they are just making me worse by confusing me more-.-
And it doesn't help when my sleep schedule is slightly ruined recently(I'll get into that ltr...) My mornings are a constant battle between me falling asleep and trying to understand Android... It gets very tiring mentally, tbh...
In addition, I'm not the type that likes to stare at computer for long but the nature of my work needs to- kinda chose a wrong job... Then again, there wasn't much of a choice; I was just happy that there was even a offer... Feel that I may end up making this same mistake in my job finding.......(>_>)
However, I won't say I didn't learn anything; I learn quite a fair bit in the robotics field which I'm trying to specialise in though maybe the programming part isn't my cup of tea/coffee?(but I think to specialise in robotics field, you pretty much need to be a programmer.... Sigh...)
Diverting a little:
maybe I like seeing things I can make/create to move; like animation and robots, thus the ambition to either be an animator or an engineer in the field of robotics but since I'm more towards art, I prefer doing animation...
But lately... I realise that maybe just having interest isn't enough...You need talents and skills... And I can't help feel that I don't have any or at least not good enough to complete or stand out to go into the career paths I want to go...
As such, I feel quite demoralised, esp during my middle and high school time; whenever I see good arts produced by ppl younger than me... Can't help feel inferior... There was a moment I just thought of quitting drawing altogether...
But, I couldn't; not when I am having fun, just drawing, doodling~ I suppose from then, I just think of drawing as a hobby and give up being an animator... And now I'm having the same problem with my ambition to be an engineer in the robotics field... Sigh... I feel I am never special/outstanding in any areas; just an average person whom will ended up like those office workers, doing mundane jobs...
Okay, I think I've rambled a lot of my own self-esteem and I doubt anyone want to know(^^;) Moving on, I will post some art updates before getting into another personal story(feel free to skip~)
Art Updates
Matsuura Kanan-10/2/17
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| Deviantart | Pixiv |
^This is my first time making a GIF and I learned a lot; such as it is image format and not video format(surprisingly 0.0)
Happy belated birthday, Kanan Chan!!! I had to delayed her work for about a week cos of something unexpected happened(more details ltr)
I quite love how the colours turned out for her Happy Party Train outfit:) Tho I may need get a new colour for her hair; it is almost the same colour as the outfit when her hair should be of darker blue and towards purplish too...
I drew her huge improvement from 9th place in 2nd center single poll to 1st in 3rd center poll; in both polls, I voted for her and I was really happy she got the center in the 3rd poll!!!(>^<)
As usual, I did SIF scouting and... To get the same Kanan R cards in 2 scouts and from Kimi No Kokoro Kagayaiteru Kai... Dk if she's angry of the delay or cos I didn't draw her in 1st single outfit...
Oh and here's a small shrine for her:
Valentine ChikaRiko Ver 2017
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| Deviantart | Pixiv |
A rushed work with sudden muse~ Compared to last year, I think I improved a lot but still not there yet... Happy belated Valentine day:)
HonoUmi Fan-manga(updates?)
Still working on it... High chance I will finish in my birthday month(and plan a birthday upload? Hmm...) Considering that I'm trying to make it into a book;)
Personal stuff(feel free to skip)
So... I've kept talking about how this 'unexpected thing' happened and many things are affected and blah blah... Well, I wasn't sure whether to talk about it(I didn't do it in any of my social media) since I didn't really want the matter to be known to many... But felt like talking a bit about it to kinda pen down my feelings...It happened on last week; on a Thursday night.
I was kinda delighted to know there was only one more day to the end of the week and even better, there was Aqours Nico Nama on the next day; something to look forward to after work! But those thoughts were crushed when that call came...
An unexpected call from my father to get ready to go to my grandmother's house cos... My grandmother seemed may not make it, from my aunt whom stayed with my grandmother... I was shocked and quickly stopped what I was doing(which I think was using the com, surfing the net or something) and got ready...
The car ride was filled with calls between my father and my aunt while I was trying to get in contact with my sis whom went out with her friends.
Once reached, we straight went to see her and... She was there, all pale without a life... I don't know how to describe the feels; it was just hollow...
While I knew my grandmother wasn't in her best of health that sometimes I felt it was tortuous for her to live in that condition yet at the same time, at least she was still there to response and you can hear her voice but at that moment- at her death bed, she was gone; no longer able to response to you and all you can do(deceive) was calling out to her, hoping for a respond that you will never get...
After that, the funeral lasted like 5 days which was what upset my sleep routine as I didn't sleep in the first night while folding death notes until the next day and slept like ard 4-5h before doing the same thing again, minus the not-sleeping-part cos I couldn't do that for consecutive days...
At the fifth day, that was when her body will be sent to cremation- last day to see her ever and during the time of sending her off, I cried silently, halfway on the road... It came naturally which shouldn't be a surprise but it was to me...
I think I did mention in a post long ago here that I felt like I don't cry like normal ppl; I didn't cry on my grandfather's funeral that I thought maybe I was just too emotionless or something yet I did, even if it was a brief moment...
I thought just maybe cos during my grandfather's death, it was too sudden- It happened on a school day in the morning when my mind was filled with work to do for the project and then the call came... So sudden that maybe I couldn't react at all?
Regardless, the death cannot be brought back and there is no turning back... So, look forward; cos life still goes on with our memories of them locked in our hearts! RIP my grandparents!
Afterwords
This sure is a long(and emotional) post. Think I will need a break from blogging...?(Nah, I will do another update next wk cos of the wonderful events;)
Until then, this is Yaiji signing off!
Yaiji~
