Last post of 2019: Dec Update 2

One last post of 2019 and got about an hour to go; let's keep this short to make it:

First, think this year was a hectic and mentally draining one that I had wanted to quit my job this year but ended up staying for the current project I am working on(which is now a love-hate thing...)

That said, I believed it was an accomplishment to be staying in the job for a year when I had long to quit since last year... I guessed the mindset of giving it chance, became the fuel for me to walk until this far...?

Aside from my work life, my mental health suffered a little due to how upset I was with my job that I felt like life was meaningless but of course I wasn't suicidal...
It was more like a loss of direction of where to go and that if life was just working to death for the sake of living, I rather not live...
However, that was just me being unable to think and see further from my current situation since life was unpredictable; you never know what will happen tomorrow and I guess that's what adds color to life...?

^ That said, I do feel really tired that I just really want to sleep in peace... As such, I became impatient to finish my work so that I can finally rest... But work was never-ending(or else there was no point of me working in the job) so my thinking was just gonna tire me more; especially, when I met with a problem that I can't seem to see the light...
Currently, I'm trying to do my best while at my pace that I don't tire myself out but changing old habits sure take a while to do...Sigh...(Maybe that will be my resolution for 2020)

Despite all these, I think the most important I should first learn was to love myself more than others- which I am slowly trying to accept that if I don't love or trust myself, how would people like and trust me...?

That was my reflection of my personal life of 2019.

Onto art updates:

I had uploaded all inktober works to both deviantart and pixiv.

Next, here's my summary of art of 2019(which I had already uploaded to both deviantart and pixiv as well~)

Template used: link

Works weren't hard to find but were hard to choose which to put since each month has either Aqours or Kukugumi Bday works to choose from for each month...

Lastly, the December work seen in the summary is the chibi versions done of the Aqours 2019 bday art- Will be uploading soon(tho already uploaded to twitter...); can see a preview from my deviantart cover photo;)

That is all for last art update of 2019! Looking forward to how the summary of art for 2020 will look like:)

Before ending, 2019 may not exactly be a good year for me, I think the experiences I gained would serve to build a stronger and resilient me for the years ahead till I find that one reason to live life!

Until next year then!

Yaiji~

PS: This may be my last few posts as I find less motivation to blog- may just come back any time to pen my thoughts but think those times will be lessened more in the years ahead...(I am not gonna close the blog; it's fun and interesting to reread some old posts and revisit those moments^^)

Year's coming to an end... Dec Update 1

To think there are only about 3-4 more weeks to the end of the year, time really flies...

And, here I am, still working at the company that I had ranted so much that I was planning to leave after my sept trip but still stayed...

I did mention once that the project that I am currently working on, seems interesting enough to make me stay...
Initially, the aspect of being able to touch on machine-learning during the project was the driving point... But somehow, that aspect changed much that I was assigned to work on the graphical user interface of the project.

Similar to when I first started working on web programming, it was tough and still is tough since I had zero experience working on it...
However, thanks to the rich documentation and forum available online, it wasn't hard to start working on it(though the amount of variables available can be a handful to look through...)

In a way, while it's tiring; looking at the variables available and choosing the appropriate ones to use, it is fun:)
It brought memories of when I was developing android apps- adding widgets, formatting them while working on the functions that each widget will do upon user inputs like clicking buttons~

That said, designing isn't my forte-.- The fun thing is being able to see & interact with what was programmed!

Considering that the project's coming to an end next year, I think it will be my last project; I don't think programming work life is working out for me... The constant exposure had left me tired of it and hating it sometimes... And that was something I was afraid, when debating whether to pursuing art as a career...
Actually, not just art; anything that I may have interest in, I was afraid that facing them everyday for work would dull my interest in it and slowly turning it to a chore and hating it...

Also, this work life is affecting my mental health a lot...
I felt drained much that I have things I want to do but the motivation is not there...
And, things that I used to enjoy, I'm losing them; Since I started work, I had stopped watching anime much...
And now, I'm actually losing interest in this series that I had followed strongly for the past few years...
It's like I'm losing more and more of myself to the point there is nothing to live for... But I am not suicidal; just living for the sake of living...
Remembered that there was once my friends asked, "Why do you wake up everyday?" and I answered, "To live another day", my answer remained unchanged even now.

Life may seem dark and empty that facing it is a hard, tough and risky task at first glance, first thought. But it is when you go face it, you learn of not just the bad but also the good aspects of life and I think that is something worth facing life for. I suppose it is a driving force for me to continue living my life that may seem pointless now but hopefully, I would find it, the point of life...Someday.

Ok, that was heavy... Somehow, when I started talking about my life, I get sentimental and just started rambling... So moving on to some art updates:

I had uploaded my inktober 2019 works onto my pixiv and started uploading the works onto deviantart in batches(to avoid spamming...) for the month of December!

Currently, working on chibi version of aqours birthday fanart. Thinking of doing chibi versions for kukugumi birthday fanart as well(but got to see my time and motivation drive^^;)

That is about it. I will be doing another update, near the end of month/year!

Yaiji~

PS: work and life had been draining enough that well, November went past without any update from me... And I'm thinking that blogging is becoming a chore; I pen my thoughts more on twitter and instagram...