Praises

Praises... They are words said by people to point out the good points of others. Naturally, anyone will like it. I am no exception but there is a little part of it that I still hate or rather fear. I tend to be a negative person; not giving myself enough credit... That's why I always take people praises as a form of gauge of how well I am doing. However, this is where the problem comes in... When people don't praise me, I take it as what I am doing still need more work, thus work even harder to get the results I wanted but...When people praise me, I started to feel that my hard work paid off and get a bit arrogant- And that's what I fear and also hate the most! I don't want to feel that way but somehow, when I am praised, I just feel that way and I hate myself for it... Sigh... Sometimes, I felt like telling my teachers not to praise me but that will be a bit weird...

Carrying on, if I feel arrogant, I'm worried that I get too confident in myself and let all my hard work goes to waste, in thinking I am doing very well in that particular subject but in truth, I'm sure it is just because the paper is easy... There's no way, me, an average student would be in the top b'cos I always screw up in the end... So, praises are nothing but an illusion- I want to tell myself that yet a part of me can't since it is not totally an illusion... It's true that I had improved a lot from a E grade to a B grade; a 3-grades-jump but I know myself that this isn't my best; I can do better... However, with all those praises... I can't help, being deluded by them... Sigh...

I know I am rambling but after this Friday's Chemistry lecture in which the HOD talked about the cohort's SA2 Chemistry results, the HOD mentioned those who gotten an A and a B... My name was there so it was a honor to be mentioned but I can't help feel shy about it and worst, me and one of my classmates were specially mentioned due to the huge improvement from the Promo Exams to SA2...I felt like digging a hole and bury myself away...

In addition, besides the fact that praises bring out the worst in me, it may lead to jealousy...Of course not to me but rather the others b'cos I have experienced such position where you heard the teachers praising the other students but not you... This isn't the first time but I guess I am a little competitive since I had somewhat pinpoint my own rivals and always look out for their marks when the teacher show the class' results... Haiz...     

Lastly, I'm worried I can't maintain my results... It will be a great disappointment like my physics that has dropped from a D grade to a S grade- a 2-grades-fall...Sigh... 

In conclusion, I like praises as much any other people and see them as the only thing that could convince me that I did well... At the same time, there's this fear that those praises would lead to my success to go up my head... In a way, praises are like a form love-hate thing for me; It's a very irritating thing yet at the same... It's what that tell me the good points that I fail to see when doing my work...

I hate hearing them 

Yet I still need them

It's a frustrating matter 

But that's how I am,

A being with contracting desires

Who choose to believe in them

Even though they are nothing

But sweet coated words...

>This is a short poem that I thought of while blogging (right now)... It does not rhythm well and the words used do not really reflect much of the truth... Just something I happen to be able to do (right now) With that, I'll end off now and get back to studying! Seems like I had once again ramble a lot... Sigh... Till then, ciao~

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