Last post of this year and this blog as well

It's been about a month but today's post will be the last one of this year and this blog.

First, I am writing this while I am down with a bad flu so I am going to keep this short.

Next, it will be the last post of this blog as I have planned to do a daily diary for the next year, thus it is likely I will be writing (and venting) on my diary instead. That said, I am not going to remove this blog since it holds quite a number of memories for me. I shall see how this diary thingy work out and decide again whether to come back (lol)

Last but not least, I would like to pen some stuff; mostly about how I set a resolution to love myself more by priortising myself. I realised it is a hard process recently since I wouldn't want people to dislike me and while ppl would say you cannot please everyone, a part of me wants that and denying it is as good as denying my own wellbeing... In that case, the only way to get out of this, was to change the mindset that it is good enough to have ppl who matter to not dislike you. It will be hard but I will try working towards that.

That's all then (time for the sick person to rest... Though I have an artwork to finish and post by today as last post but considering my current condition, I shall take a step back). Somehow, it feels like my body is telling me to rest and take a break cos I hadn't been getting good rest-.- I guess I'm paying for it now...

Before ending, it's a bit late but Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! 

Yaiji~

Back from vacation

Just like that, my 7-days vacation is over. This post is about expressing my thoughts for the trip- will be a small post as I am still tired (taking a day off after back is a good decision)

^There is a bit of venting but I kinda expected since my character does put yourself in a tough spot which I am trying to be better at it.

First, the excitement of going on the trip was there and I would say the first few days of the trips were great since the sight-seeing of maple leaves was awesome!

Then came the last few days of the trip where well, it was mainly shopping and that's when it went a little bad. I suppose the difference in wavelength between me and the group was the foreshadow? I mean I suppose I can take it if my back wasn't breaking while looking at stuff that didn't interest me (lol)

All in all, what I learned from the trip: get my own wifi router/sim card and bring a smaller bag for going out instead (haversack is ok if it's shopping where you walk and rest frequently... I guess?)  

Aside from that, I didn't buy much since I was thinking more of myself and well, I guess it's a 'rule' to buy stuff back for your loved ones (and maybe work colleagues), and my family wasn't that impressed...? My character of not wanting to disappoint really made me regret not buying more... 

That's said, I like to still put myself first; after all, this is my trip. At least that's what I want to think but deep in my heart, I feel like I failed... Sigh... And, I start reflecting and blaming other factors which in actual fact, it was just me been scared of stepping out of my comfort zone... I need to step up and be firm in what I want to do than doing what people think I should do.

You know sometimes figuring out what went wrong and working on it are two different steps to take. I like to think I do reflect but I seldom act on it as it is quite scary. In that sense, I will try my best; it may not be perfect but I will try until the day I succeed (and let's hope I do remember on my next trip if there is one, lol)

That is all; I may do a post on the stuff I did during my vacation.

Yaiji (I fear about my work tomorrow now-.-) 

Hectic work days but I survived and going on a vacation:)

Work had been hectic; especially when you are alone working on one test case that blown up to be like a project now-.-

Nonetheless, I can finally catch my breath as I survived until this week where I am going on a vacation:) While it sucks that the 'test case' isn't done and I will need to continue when I am back from vacation, at least my boss, supervisor and the client understand and acknowledge my vacation.

^As the saying goes, what doesn't kill you made you stronger so I guess surviving such work days help to build up my resilience (even tho I am close to throwing the white towel...)

So, this post is a small update before my flight in around 5 hours! I will try update more when I am back..? (Feel like a lie since work is going to take up my time and energy again...)

Yaiji~

PS: Hopefully, this vacation will relieve some of my stress and catch up on my sleep...

Maybe validation from yourself is sufficient

Hi, I am back with another post where I took 2-days leave and it's ending today... 

I was looking forward to this 2-days leave as work had been crazy...

<Cue venting part on work>

I was assigned to work on something that I completely have no experience and I am expected to make and update my progress every week...

If progress in terms of saying I am learning this and that is sufficient, it wouldn't be that stressful but the progress here means giving the desired results that the client expected weekly...

If I have experience, this hectic weekly update wouldn't be a problem but the current situation is that I have no experience in it; I am unable to proceed well and fast with confidence and I hate rushing work since it means I need to heck care details and submit a half-assed work which goes against my own principles (and lately, I have to do a lot of such things due to dumb decisions made...)

Until now, you may be thinking, "why don't I tell my supervisor or boss about it?". The thing about this is that, first, my supervisor does know about my no-experience in this work but I suppose with the current manpower situation in my department, my supervisor doesn't seem to have much choices; people with the experience are occupied... I guess. And, the second thing is that this work was passed from a colleague to me with the same reason; the colleague could not do the work.

I will be honest and say that if there was enough time and maybe preparation like training, this work wouldn't be a problem but well, my supervisor or boss just has the great idea to throw a person without experience like me to do this work which has high demands.- I would say at the start, it was fine since it was testing of some software tools and I can manage it (as the documentation of the tools were good). But the moment it escalated into something like setting up something complicated in another new software, the learning (or rather progress) curve just went so steep that currently, I am struggling to keep up.

I can't wait to just end this work and I thought last week's update was the last since the client said the testing was sufficient but no, the client decided that more testing is needed to verify the limit of the software tool. At that point, I had no words to express my feelings. Then, there's the dread that I took 2-days leave. I could cancel it but I was like... I need this before I was thrown back to hell.

And so... Despite having that 2-days leave, I couldn't really enjoy as work was haunting me... I thought of working a little but the reluctance is strong and I ended up checking my emails today.

^It was a horrible experience when I saw the setup that the client wants to test and I freaking had no idea how to set it up.

The worse is that setup is only the start; I still need do testing where I need to write custom tests and if I can't do the setup, how am I supposed to start the testing and I am expected to report my testing by this Friday?! It was too much that it's a headache... 

I took my friend's advice to ask for extension but only to receive reply from my supervisor that the client still wants an email update... The moment I saw that reply, I just gave up... I mean the whole point of extension is that there is no "worthly" progress to update but the client still wants an update... I mean I will just have to flow with it; they are the clients.

At this point, all I can do is to just try my best to do what I can and update whatever I can... If the client or the boss is not impressed, I can do nothing but make them think how incompetent I am... Sigh...

You know this feels so depressing that I feel like crying while I am writing this but I won't cos it's not worth it; It's not worth crying over something that is so against you that you have been made incompetent. While some parts of me think I am incompetent because of how the client or/and the boss may think, some parts of me think maybe validation from myself is sufficient and I think I am ok.- Because even if everyone may think you sux, as long as you believe in yourself, it is sufficient. (Life is too short to be concerned about what ppl think... Yet it is really hard to avoid validation from others... Sigh...)

<end venting>

That felt nice; venting it out to compose my thoughts...

This is just a passing thought but as time goes, I chased after smaller things like just getting validation from myself.- I have always been very concerned with how ppl think of me and it is likely cos I don't have many friends and friends that I have tend to think I am weird (well, I am to a certain extent...) and sometimes I feel that I burn bridges without knowing...

These made me awkward around my friends like walking on egg shells but it ended up making me weird and well, I really don't know how to deal with human relationships since trigger points of people can be very different and once you pressed those triggers, you don't get second chances... The aftermath is so awkward and suffocating that I normally hope time will heal it.- Though it does heal, there is already damage done; people are cautious around me and that is one bridge burned then, sigh.

Ok, that's enough venting. Apologies on the above. That's all; just want to pen down my thoughts since I know this week is gonna be hell when I return work but what does not kill you makes you stronger. Anw, I still need to survive to jail break the cute Dendro archon from Sumeru and get that 'lighthouse' guard from Stultifera Navis event!

Until next time!

PS: If I survive, I will update about my Hoyofest 2022 experience which I had posted in Hoyolab and maybe a post about my fave genshin char whose bday is about 3 days (that is if I finish his art...)

Yaiji~

End of 5-days vacation

Background: I took a vacation (5-days leave) to recharge and sort of reward myself after a project ended in my job. And, today is the last day of my vacation and I decided to pen down some thoughts.

First, I planned the vacation to start on the same day as Genshin version 3.0 and I think it's a good thing since this version or the new place, Sumeru is really packed with a lot of stuff! (I am currently working on the Aranana quests...)

And, another objective of my vacation was to do some house-cleaning and maybe work on some art or programming(which turned out to be wishful thinking...). While I did some house-cleaning, it was just a bit since there were much to clear... But more importantly, I realised I'm taking much longer time to do stuff... It is like I lost my drive to do anything and it took more of my head than my heart to push myself to do it... It sometimes(or maybe most of the time) ended up not done or half-done. After that, I will beat myself up for not doing the things that I planned to do for the day... Sigh...

As I thought over it (while writing this post), I feel maybe I am too hard on myself and that I should give myself some leeway since just getting up and living my life is considered an accomplishment... Of course, more can be done but the fact that I am not giving up, I suppose it is already a good thing? Not sure if this is a sign of depression but lately, there are no drives in me to do things (maybe except playing games...) When I stare at my 'hobbies', I wonder how did I feel when I did them before...

As it is, I think I am trying my best to take baby steps in life where I may stop, I may trip and take a while to stand up but as long as I don't give up, I am not losing and I tell myself not to lose cos life is precious.

That said, I did enjoy myself in this vacation where I went to Genshin Teleport event in my country on the first day of launch, 24 August 2022!

Photo taken of the teleport waypoint with Dori standee~

^Initially, I did not see the waypoint and saw the booth in the mall until I saw it, outside of the mall (lol). The following is some photos taken.

Version 3.0 art and the teleport waypoint at the back~

Tighnari~

COLLEI!!!-Love her a lot since the manga and
her interactions in the story(esp her admiration for amber) is really precious; MUST Protect!

And, if you posted a video of the event on Tik Tok (I actually created an account for this), you get a postcard(of version 3.0 art) and a random postcard of either Dori, Tighnari or Collei.

 

^I did not get Collei but Tighnari is fine~ And, love the postcard!

Aside from going to this event, I got to eat Okonomiyaki with my sister! I had been wanting to eat it but not sure if there are any restaurant in my country that sells it... And, it was great! (tho the stuff after the food was questionable...)

Lastly, I did some packing of my stuff and well, it was half-done as mentioned since I really have a junk of stuff^^; It will take time and maybe quite a big amount of time but as long as I still do it, it will be done eventually.

That is all the eventful things I did in this 5-days vacation; with the remaining on playing Genshin (lol). It's not a lot but at least I rested much without worrying work! It sux to know it is back to work tomorrow-.- I suppose time pass fast when you are having fun. Let's hope not too much stuff to handle tomorrow(maybe I should get strong coffee tomorrow...)

Until next time!

Yaiji~

Life updates (happy national day~)

 Decided to update a bit on my life (got the mood from today been National Day~)

The last life update was an annoying and sad one, and this time is no better (sadly) but not as bad...

First, the colleague that made my work life difficult in the last update left the company. It was sudden that I was at loss when it was announced.

At one side, I felt betrayed and been played cos it was like the colleague screwed my work life and then decided to leave.

While on another side, I had a bit of relief since I did not have to deal with the colleague...

But more than anything, the worst of a colleague leaving was the handover; cos either your workload increased from no replacement or/and that you are playing "Pass the message game".

Since then (after the colleague left), it had been slightly more than one month. Considering how things had been when the colleague was around, my work life is slightly less taxing. Even so, I had already lost my interest in the work or rather the company that I am in; the interest of the company is no longer aligned with what I want to do...

Currently, I am trying to find a new job. So far, I had two tests and passed one where the company decided to move the recruitment decision to September... Sigh...

The other applications are still in review which are likely off (shag-.-) Today, I just applied a few more but it's quite tiring (mentally) to do this...

It may be bad but I am thinking of just leaving the company by the end of this year since it is really damaging my mental health (not sure how long I can withstand it...) Not sure if my family can accept it but I feel like giving up... It's torturous to keep going to work when you hate it; it's like doing something you hate for 8 hours and on a 5 times a week basis...

That's about the updates I have which are pessimistic but hopefully... Just hopefully... I can hear some good news soon... Sigh... (Life sux...)

Yaiji~  

Commemoration with Arknights and Genshin

730 days with Arknights

Just last month, 6th June 2022 was my 2nd Anniversary of Arknights and I did the same as what I did for my 1st Anniversary; an artwork, featuring my fave operator in each main class.

Pixiv || Instagram

From left to right:

• Vanguard: Texas
• Specialist: Mizuki
• Sniper: Exusiai
• Medic: Kal'tsit
• Defender: Hoshiguma (my first 6*)
• Guard: Nearl the Radiant Knight
• Supporter: Suzuran
• Caster: Mostima (my fave, my current assistant and the one who made me start Arknights~)

^ Looking forward to how my next year with Arknights will be~

365 days with Genshin

3rd July 2022 was my first anniversary of starting Genshin.

To commemorate a little, I did a 10-rolls on the standard banner but alas, no 5*... I was hoping much for my most wanted standard 5* yet I accepted that it is likely she will be like how Mostima is; spooking me at my least unexpected time~

Similar to Arknights, I also did an art (but yet to finish...). It comprises of the dps I have for each element (except Dendro).- Somehow managed to build one dps in each element and also at least one for each weapon type.

Did a small post in both Hoyolab and Instagram (will do another post when the art is done), showcasing the build of each dps I built for each element.- They are far from optimal but they are decent and I am proud as how much I had accomplish over this one year!

I am hoping in my next year, I will be able to build a dps for Dendro and maybe try build a 4* dps in each element (?) but top priority goes to getting a Dendro dps~

Until then, I am excited for 2.8; putting everything(saved until 2.8) for Kazuha and hoping I can get him to c6 but likely only c3 or c4 and also Heizou- hopefully to get as much cons for him since his c6 is good for him as dps!

End notes

That's about it. Just wanted to dedicate one post for my anniversaries in both Arknights and Genshin where the dates are one month apart, making it hard to work on the art for Genshin since I was busy trying to finish up Arknights art...

That said, a small update; I sent my laptop to servicing (again) and well, it was annoying. But at least it's over. Cross fingers that I will not need to send anymore (sighs)

Yaiji~

Work frustration- Life hadn't been easy...

Same routine; been a while and life hadn't been easy, thus this post; to pen some thoughts down.

I had been repeating the same story to my close ones to know their thoughts on the situation... Because no matter how much I think this is how it is (in life), I could not accept it and it is eating me...

The story is based on my job where I am tasked to do this work that is part of project deliverables.

Before been occupied by the task (where I was just collecting data), my colleague (who is in the same project) wanted me to run some experiments for a research paper (that was rejected and my colleague wants to resubmit and with better write-up). I agreed since it was a small amount of experiments to run (before the amount turned big...) and I was not busy with my task yet.

Then, my supervisor had requested to put the collected data in a format that I was not familiar with. As such, I was more occupied with my task to not only learn the format but put the data in that format. 

For this request, I could not work on my colleague's stuff. My colleague wasn't happy about it.

 

In one of the meetings, my supervisor said the deadline of the deliverables is extended and my colleague sees this is as an opportunity; to actually ask my supervisor to pause my work for a week and continue working on running the stuff for the research paper.

And, my supervisor approved.

At that moment, I felt annoyed and frustrated, thinking that my work was less important than my colleague's work which was not even part of project deliverables...

Before this moment, my colleague had a discussion with me, expressing the frustration over the the lack of progress in the research paper (since I was occupied with my project deliverable and could not run the experiments).

The words used at that time felt so much worse after knowing my work was paused; "I would like to move on to do other stuff". It felt so selfish that I felt like saying back; "so do I" but I wasn't gonna burn bridges, despite my close ones saying such bridges are not worth protecting...

The first few days of working on my colleagues' stuff were full of frustration that I tried hard to let it go but the frustration just came back ten-folds.

It was later in the week that I just resigned to my fate with the thought that if this pause caused me to not deliver in time, this pause shall be the reason. (Been the person I am, I would use this reason as the last resort...)

Once that dreadful week ended, I was finally able to resume my original work and luckily, it didn't take too much time to grasp the requested format that my supervisor wanted and I was able to put the data in without issues.

^I thought that was it and this was a bad episode of my life. Until... My supervisor mentioned that the extended deadline was only applicable for the work of another project member and the deadline of my work remained the same.

I was stunned and to make it worse, my supervisor only mentioned it this week. (which is about 2 weeks before the deadline and the following week is a short week from the 2-days holidays).

Based on my task progress, this reveal wouldn't be too much of an issue until my supervisor told me that there was another project task that I am supposed to work on in this month (and that is about a month away from the original deadline).

Just this week, I only managed to write small part of the report for one of my 2 tasks. I still have to write report for my other task and expected to submit the report of the 2 tasks by next week (which is a short week of 3 days) for my supervisor to review.

Sigh. I do not know if I can make it, especially when the analysis for one of the tasks is not done yet and there is nothing I can do but try my best to meet the deadline...

I really hate cutting close to deadlines (I mean who doesn't) but when you have such colleague and supervisor, it is inevitable...

This felt like a death flag; it is really time for me to go- I was still thinking it's bad to leave while in project but with such project members or colleagues, I don't see any future in working with them tbh. And, though switching jobs may not mean that I will like it and it may end up in the same situtation (which I hope not) but at the very least, it is better than staying here, getting yourself invalidated... 

The first step to look for a new job is hard but for myself (even though there were a few times that I felt that there is no meaning in life), I need to take that first step. Shall try to make use of the long holiday to get started.

That is all the vent I wanted to get it out.

It ate me for quite a fair bit during that period where I had to work on my colleague's stuff.

With that new reveal by my supervisor (of not extending my work deliverables), the memories of that horrible period came back and I just had to pen them down (before I go insane).

Before ending, I just like to mention that my birthday passed last month- It was nice; amidst all those unhappiness in my recent life!  

Until next time (and I hope it will be an upbeat post next time)!

Yaiji~

'Positive' experience

If I thought the week before end of 2021 was bad(due to series of things breaking apart that I lamented in a post), this week was worse; cos something that I desperately hoped not to happen, happened...

It started last Sat (12/2) where I was starting to get sore throat which was quite sudden since I don't feel any ill prior to it... Then come last Sun (13/2) where I really developed a sore throat and as well as coughs which are symptoms of Covid-19... And, that one of my family members was test positive did not help...

So, I did an ART test and it came out negative... While it gave some form of comfort, it also seems too sus to believe.

The following Monday or this week Monday (14/2 which is Valentine Day, lol), I went to see a doctor since I was quite sick; the sore throat was killing me during my sleep that I had to wake up a few times to drink water and go washroom-.-

The visit to the clinic was a horror; there was already a queue outside. And when I went to register, the waiting time was 1 hour...(Plus the fact that my phone was running out of battery...) In the end, I was only able to see the doctor after 1.5h before I took the ART test(from the clinic) and my medicines which was quite fast; took about 10 minutes or so.- The clinic mentioned that I do not need to wait for my result; the result will be sent to me by the government.

With that assurance, I left after I collect my medicines and that's when the second horror start. Normally, ART result does not take long to come; about 15-30 minutes so I expected my result to come by the end of the day if the clinic was busy and since my brother received his result within the day when he went to see the doctor(from another clinic) on the same day as me... However, the result did not come so I gave another day (15/2) and it still didn't come; to the point I had to call the clinic in the afternoon and the clinic only replied around evening...

And, the result was positive which was anti-climatic since it's kinda expected but even so, I hoped not...

^All that left was waiting for government message for instructions on what to do which was my third horror cos even until now, the message did not come (despite calling to the helpline about it...)

The last horror was when I tried asking my company if I can get sick leave without mc since I was tested positive and the doctor only gave me 2 days mc which was insufficient to recover-.- The reply took like a day to come which was a no and I have to see the doctor again to get another mc... Considering how bad the waiting time can be, I gave up and just work from home...

Working while having Covid-19 positive with symptoms was a torture on the very first day(after my mc) since I was tired and sick but still have to work... I took frequent breaks but it was still bad cos I needed rest...

In the end, it was a horrible 3 days of working while wearing mask... And during meal times, I can't talk for fear of spreading to my other family members... I feel like a criminal at home...

Now, I am feeling much better; no sore throat but still have a dry throat. However, around yesterday, I lost my sense of taste; I couldn't exactly taste much unless the taste is quite strong but even so, I could only taste it faintly... Today was much better but still got a bit of loss. Hopefully, this loss will be gone soon...

Lastly, I have yet tested since my positive result but will be testing tmr (to see if I can go to work...) and hope for the best...

That is all; just want to pen down my feelings of the whole ordeal of getting Covid-19 positive. In terms of the severity of the illness, as people said, it is like a flu but a strong one where you get hit by bad sore throat and coughs but it is manageable.

Yaiji~

PS: Think I will write another post before the month end to pen my thoughts on other stuff (like my work-.-)

CNY 2022

First, happy (belated) Chinese New Year!

^Thought of penning down my thoughts given the long break I took in this CNY week and the dread feel of returning to work tmr (sigh)

So, before going on my long break, I was dealing with something that my colleague had asked me to help before my colleague goes on a break too...

And that something was initially already annoying cos it's a purchase request for an item that my colleague wants/needs (and not me). No matter how much I think, such matter should be done by the requester which is my colleague and not me...

That said, I took on this request out of 'kindness' (it's actually more of obligation...). It was fine (though I dislike it) until my colleague did a change of plan and it made my last week so frustrating that I was so tempted to just ignore it, considering that it really doesn't concern me a single bit... It was not until this week's Monday that my colleague told me to stick to original plan...

Imagine the feelings I went through over this something that I have no use of and should not be of my responsibilities; it was like been thrown around like a ball. And, while it's 'great' that the original plan stay, I just dread replying to vendors about the changes again, considering the amount of changes made...

Sometimes I just wish to ignore and live a simple life but I suppose that itself is hard to achieve, given the amount of 'trouble' I gotten out of 'kindness'...

As such, I'm thinking it's time to go but yet it's also hard to decide how to go from here... Like the fear that I am not good enough; will I even able to do a good job if I change...

Yet I wouldn't know until I take the leap which is risky cos there is no guarantee. But with the current situation as it is, I don't see any future in it (since I dread every Sunday night...)

That is all. I will update again (if I do take the leap, lol). Until then, it's back to dealing my toxic working life... At least there's Genshin Impact 2.5 to look forward to for this month~ 

Yaiji~

PS: Finally uploaded Arknights logs done over last year, 2021 onto Pixiv. In addition, I will be doing selected Arknights and Genshin characters' bday art for this year, 2022!(likely one bday art per month...)
The theme will be MC with character i.e Doctor's interactions with AK chars and Aether's (I chose the male MC) interactions with GI chars. So far, I have done Hoshiguma bday art in Jan 2022! Please look forward to others'!  

First post of 2022; look back 2021 and 2022 resolution

Been a long long while. Planned to write something before 2021 but my laptop went CMI and had to be sent for repair...

I got it back today, thus writing this post~

So, a little look back to 2021:

I would say the only special thing is that I started Genshin in July 2021 after months of watching my bro play(lol).

But the last 2 weeks of 2021 were quite eventful, in a negative way since many things fell apart like my laptop, my spectacles and the UV lamp for my pet terrapin... And, I also bid farewell to an old friend who had been my source of emotional support since young (and now I'm facing a bit of withdrawal symptoms but getting better adapting to it:)

Lastly, I would say time move without a care... Like if you are struggling with life, time still moves; it is not gonna stop and that's hard and tough to gasp, especially if you are just going through the motions in life and that life is limited...
What's suck the most is that you see your life been wasted away but yet you can't do anything about it cos you are lost and out of energy/motivation...

Then again, waste is a subjective matter since it can vary, depending how strict you set it to be...

Just like that, another year wasted passed and I am older by another year(lol).

I had thought of what my resolution will be for 2022 but I couldn't come with a concrete one.

It is a simple wish for myself to love myself more but how to measure it (to know if you achieve your resolution or not), I don't want to set anything; it can be anything like putting my needs above others yet at the same time not hurt others... Which is hard since I tend to avoid conflict so I compromise myself in the process and say ok with a 'smile' while dying inside a bit.

^It will be very hard to break that shell of thought but I want to try. Life may be short, it is still a long walk. And if I want to continue walking, I need to learn to love myself more.

Before ending, here's a summary of art of 2021:

Template

^ I will be posting on my pixiv soon and also the works shown here- it's been a long while since I updated my Pixiv (^^;) The works are already in my Instagram~

Until next time, happy new year and wish this year will be a good year without too much (bad) change!

Yaiji

PS: Suck to know it's back to work tomorrow-.- Was a nice 7-days break taken(despite the series of incidents) in the last two weeks of 2021 but it's back to the work routine and tomorrow will be hectic with two meetings...