1 more day??!!! Question of worth...

Or should I say... Another 12.5h more to the verdict... Feeling so nervous that I am at a loss of what to do now...

I'm fearing for the worst, preparing myself... I know it's nt over if I do fail any of the modules but that feel of failure... I'm no stranger but it was never a feel I could ever overcome easily...

For someone who is constantly finding her own worth and reason of existence, failure is like saying I am useless as compared to those who succeeded... And I am reminded again of my own worth...

I always tell myself that I am just an average human; nothing exciting nor outstanding.

Yet at some pt of time, when I see myself succeeding while others don't, I'll hav the thought that 'maybe there is some uniqueness in me, huh?' And I started being overly proud abt it which I hate so much... It's like my ego grows so much and then when I expected so much(after being so confident) and the expectations fell so much away, it hurts... A lot... And I'm back to my low self esteem...  

Also when ppl praise me(think I said before?), I deny it but deep inside I felt my ego growing again even tho my brain knows the praise is wrongly used; I'm nt worthy of it... But my heart can't help grinning & ended getting complacent; expectations fell off the chart, heart suffered the pain badly...

The cycle continues when the conditions r met... Nt sure how many times I've experienced it yet I still fell into the same trap... Guess a leopard can't change its spots, huh? But I do slowly adapt to the pain- while I do feel the same pain, the intensity isn't as strong as before... Yet it still hurts...

And exactly that is what I fear for tmr- it's like how you know how it will be when u go for a tooth extraction in a dental center but u still fear the pain no matter how much u prepare plus the uncertainty; the uncertainty of whether how the pain(result) will be...

I suppose the unknown is the most scary and as a pessimistic person, can't think of the worst case scenario(I believe that's the one case that will make me think hard of the future; it throws me off of my comfort zone...)

Sigh, just some ramblings to let out some anxiety(still am anxious but nt as bad as before...) or I think my heart won't be able to take it...

This is Yaiji signing off, ja ne...

Yaiji...