Monologue 1: Am I working too much?

Loss of motivation...

As the semester's reaching the end, it means final exams r coming so studying should be even more intense. However... Lately, I have been losing the motivation to study or rather should I say to even wake up for the day...

So here I am, blogging to try get that thought out and maybe 'analyse'(sound weird o.o) why the loss of motivation- when u r studying a science course, even what u wrote r cater to science/research paper-.-

Sleep deprived... 

Don't know when it started but after that e-learning week/last week, the motivation started to disappear... And every single day, there's the thought of skipping classes but my character prevents that(or I'm gng feel all guilty during the whole trip home while thinking of the actions taken:/)

I will be honest and say that it all boiled down to the severe sleep deprived state I am in right now..Just today itself- since it's good Friday, a public holiday in my country, there's no need to wake up early for classes.(But b'cos of a freaking damm honk in the morning, my beauty sleep was disturbed-.-) I actually slept in for the whole morning... So much time wasted when I should be studying for next week's quiz...

It's like whenever,  just lying on a bed and sitting on the sofa, I just want to sleep... <This is how bad I am derived from sleep and there r times I even slept in the train while on the way home(when in the past, I don't...) against my will actually; eyebrows were so heavy that I just can't keep them open.

Question...

And then, we go to see y the lack of sleep? First, a little about myself:

Myself... Just an average human...

I never see myself as a genus or anything special but just an average human who is doing her best to live her life; and that is to study, get a cert, find a job to earn income so as to be able to support both herself and her parents.

But from young and my mom had said before, I tend to do things slow... And while I deny in the past, I don't now; I do do things slow to the point if something's pressuring for answer; those types that require ans on the spot, I get pressured myself and sometimes get nervous breakdown...

I tend to do things at my own pace and the efficiency depends much on the environment; I don't want to admit but I get distracted very easily, esp when ppl talk and I can hear unless I am too engrossed in my work(however, there r times I was gonna give up trying to solve the qn after trying for an hour or so; the focus is already bad and then ppl start talking or someone started to talk to me, I literally lost all my concentration on that qn to the point I may take a few mins to retrace my steps back.) < B'cos of this, there's this dilemma of doing homework with friends- at one side, it's nice to have companion(s) around to work and maybe ask qn, helping each other yet at the same time, my productiveness will drop a lot from the level I am at public place.

As such, I tend to plug in my ear piece to do work(but this is bad for my ears so trying to reduce; listen when need to through an ear piece, if not, just blast it from phone/laptop- of course when at home^^;)
Yet, music sometimes does get me distracted(again...), esp for music that I can't help started to think of story plots out from it; my art sense is triggered and I will be thinking of the plots while doing my work which is very bad since I am essentially multi-tasking 3 tasks at the same time; doing my work, listening to music and thinking of story plots- wonder where does the thinking of the homework goes(-_-)
I'm really a difficult person...

"Hard-working"?

Back to the qn, as a slow learner and worker, this means I spend a lot more time doing my work. As a result, I can work on one tutorial for the whole day in the room(and never get out- if not for my family, I would hav skipped all 3 meals...) until I finish it!

Guess b'cos of this... I feel that I am always behind time for the work I scheduled for myself to do for the day- at one pt, I started to question my schedule I made for myself and still find myself not able to schedule right; much due to my mood for the day which while I don't want to admit but I study based on feelings than logic even though trust me, I love to start working but my heart isn't in that work...

B'cos of the "ambitious" me, I try to use my time "wisely"; if it's not yet 2300, I will continue to work even if I finish one tutorial and before I know it, it is close to 0000... And a habit that I do before I sleep is to surf the net, play sif and find a fanfic or 2 to read and with all those, the time I sleep is almost close to 0100... And the next day, I'm gonna wake up at 0600... <Sometimes, I question myself how was I able to wake up anyway...

A cycle...

All these bad habits of mine r gonna be the death of me and it's a vicious cycle;
since I had been doing work all day, naturally as a human, I need my share of entertainment, thus the surfing of net after work but that comes with the cost of my sleep. B'cos I'm sleep derived, the mood to study is zero, I start late despite doing work slow so  I work long and late. And the cycle continues...

Trying to endure it all...

Tbh, I thought I could endure till the end but guess I'm not that "strong" to and definitely that wasn't a solution at all cos it'll just accumulate... And I learn that the hard way when my body starts to hurt here and there; waist, shoulder, back aches from sitting too long(were quite bad a few days ago and are too right now) Gastric pain when sacrificing lunch for work(less likely due to having friends for lunch after lectures^^)

Turned out I wasn't hardworking but a fo..!

To add on, I thought I was working hard(while neglecting my body and health) but turned out I was so wrong:

not exactly working right now; just studying but feel that it applies

I was a fool and I understand that when I actually skipped going out for lunch with my family for freaking tutorial questions that I didn't have an idea y they were wrong and spent hours checking again and again(turned out there were calculation errors that I couldn't figure out until after lunch- could be too hungry and tired that I did them and missed out while checking-.- All that efforts for nothing...) Luckily, my family actually bought back some food for me(or I will be having gastric pain again...)

It was at that point I realised I am such a workaholic(and fear for the future me...). If not for my family, I think I will faint one day without knowing...

That's the thing I nid to learn...

The irony...

I am a human- I tell myself a lot of times yet I treat myself as a machine, abusing myself... You can say... I... Don't hav self-love for myself... Sigh...

Sometimes when you're young, you don't see the consequences until too late when no matter how much you try to help, it will never be the same- I, who know this, can tell others yet can't apply to myself; what a hypocrite, huh?

I suppose that's y ppl said, the hardest thing to know is not others but yourself b'cos while you can see others all the time, you can't do the same for yourself and at one pt, you lose yourself while showing others the way...Such an irony and while the truth is there, it is hard to gasp and act on it, huh?

Afterword...

Sigh... How did the post get this this depressing? Such is life... Think I will stop here(or it's gng get even more gloomy...) This post's just here for me to vent my thought out. Feel free to ignore if you're just here for updates; u r welcomed to read(since it's a public post) but *warning: it will be depressing(most of the time)

**An update post will be scheduled this week; in the coming weekends for a certain Hero's birthday(after I send her fanart for scanning:)

*Look at time* I will signing off now or I'm gonna sleep late again and risk my revision for tmr- bad progress for today due to the de-motivated me-.-

Another 6 more days~>8<

This is Yaiji signing off, ja ne~

Yaiji

I believe for everything I did to & for myself!