Going through the motions...

Another episode of me venting...

Lately, I felt like I've been going through the motions; wake up and go to work like a routine and hope for the day to end while struggling to work...

Starting I was quite open and welcoming to anything as a new hire and learn. 

But now... I do not know where did all those motivation go... 

Is this burnout despite taking a break around 4 months ago? Or just a lack of motivation that had been going on since I came back from my trip...?

More importantly, did I make the wrong choice in taking up this job/career?

I find that I never did pause to think but continue to move forward as others do; cos it is the normal thing to do, no? And, in the midst of it, I think I had move forward too much that I'm at a loss...

Moving forward without much thoughts worked when one was in school since there were limited routes you can take(in the case of my country). 

But when you are in the working world, nothing is straight forward anymore and worse there is more uncertainty than before...

There is no right or wrong(until you break the law) but there is pressure everywhere that you may lose yourself in the process of trying to be yourself...

Such is how the world is and I wonder what's the meaning of living in this world... Yet there is still some beauty in this world...

Nature has this calming effect that allows me to escape from reality where there is no pressure, no expectations and I am free to be me.

In a way, it's why I like the countryside places(like numazu)- away from humans and closer to nature where it does not judge you for who you are.

No one to set standards that are 'average' and 'normal' but you struggle to achieve it and question your self-worth and point of living...

People said stress is a good motivation but I beg to differ. 

I mean under stress, people do try get things done which is what people want. 

However, is that a good way to make people get things done? Just like scolding a child into doing things or not to do it- it may do the job but is it good?      

Your body is yours. Your mind is yours. Your life is yours. 

Yet with the current world, how confident can you say that your body, mind and life is yours?

As of now, I do not know if I can last until my next trip(in Sept)... Will see how things go... 

Though I believed I'm at my limits; struggling to work while getting the motivation had been giving me headaches- it's like forcing yourself to do something you hate and your body felt betrayed by your mind...

It's also why I had been sleeping late- I do not want the day to end and go to work on the next day... 

I wonder if I can really endure such routine until my trip... July gonna be a nightmare month for me...

That's the end of my venting...

A little art updates:

• Done working on this week's July babies for Kukugumi and Aqours! 
• Will be working on the other July baby of Kukugumi in the following week~ 
• Inspired from this month's Dengeki G's magazine special of Chika cover, will be working on an art of both u's and aqours!- Currently, in the planning stage... 

That's about it.

Until next time, this is Yaiji signing off.

Yaiji

Years with Love Live~

Seeing as people are sharing their stories with Love Live, decided to do it too~

I only started getting to the fandom in 2014... 

I knew about this series/fandom in 2013 but was skeptical about it- wasn't into idols at that time and was more of a fan of action animes like d.gray-man, naruto, etc.

In addition, I wasn't into voice actors as well- I preferred to keep 2D and 3D apart, and believed that I watched anime for anime characters and not the voice behind them...I was quite... Shallow in thinking at that time...

I think it was a combination of factors that made me started going into this series.

It was a little weird but I actually got my first interest in the series after seeing a picture of a despondent Honoka with some deep quote(which actually had nothing to do with the picture if you've watched the show...)

Then, I heard their song when my brother was playing Love Live School Idol Festival(LLSIF). It was good that I actually pestered my brother for the song and series. 

And, even until now, I still love the song. The song was Snow Halation!

The songs were great that I actually started the game(with some influences from my brother), even though I was quite bad at rhythm game; or rather reaction games... 

It was so bad that I can't even play most of the hard songs; normal was my difficulty to go for...

As such, I was actually happy whenever I was able to full-combo(fc) hard songs(that I actually kept posting my fc results in instagram^^;)

Slowly but surely, I was able to move from hard to expert~ And even challenged myself to fc expert songs without perfect locks- did some recordings and posted on Youtube!

^That account that I started in EN held a lot of memories for me so I was really reluctant to quit and delete it... 

But the circumstances of EN server trying to catch up with Jp(in hosting double events) and the combination of other servers into EN server was too much for me... Plus my JP account was actually much better than my EN account... 

The last straw was when I couldn't get into tier 1 for Umi events and then the next double event was actually ChikaRiko event...  

With me playing LLSIF and a bit of my brother's influences, I started watching the anime(both seasons) in 2014 and got more invested in the fandom.

I forgot how but not surprised that Love Live made me interested in the voice actors as well- Love Live is a project that linked both the 2D and the 3D after all~

To understand 3D, one needed to know Japanese- In a way, it motivated me to pick up Japanese language in my University:)

The whole 2015 was me going deeper and deeper into the idol hell, and I strongly believed I can go even more until that dread news in 2016...

μ's ending was something I did not imagine, considering that I only knew them 2 years ago(at that time) 

It was a hard truth to digest yet I don't blame them; they had been doing it for 6 years and they weren't young either... I could only blame myself for not knowing them earlier...

This regret, disappointment made me want to support more for the next thing in this series; which was Aqours.

I knew a lot of fans weren't happy about the new group as it felt like the group was replacing μ's ... But to me, it felt like a chance for the series to continue and I wasn't going to quit as a loveliver!

I preordered Aqours' first single. It was my first time buying something online- was a little worried and scared of the possibilities of getting cheated...

Everything worked out fine~

And to show more support for their first single, I drew them all in their outfits:

It was fun, working on it, one character at a time(and revealing each character in each instagram post~)

Next came the announcement of the anime(during the first single nico nama)! Again, did each character as a countdown to the anime~

And, I would watch the live broadcast of the anime without fail that I acted childish when I couldn't made it for the live broadcast of one of the episode, due to charaexpo 2016...

Besides that, whenever there were streams, I would watch them. I would also look forward to the weekly radio as well!

Following the year of 2017, it was Aqours first live and the announcement of anime 2nd season! 

In addition, I went to Aqours' birth-town, Numazu and straight away felt in love with it! An ideal place for quiet people like me!

Also, it was my first time, participating SIF thanksgiving festival- it was an eye-opener for me, as someone whom had never attend any jp event before!

2017 can be said the peak of my investment to the fandom(>^<)

During the time of support on Aqours, my friend did sometimes ask me if I had forgotten μ's. 

That is something that would never happen;  μ's is μ's, Aqours is Aqours. They may be in the same series, fandom but they are two different groups whom impacted my life in different ways too! And I do continue drawing μ's fanarts from time to time.

That said, I would be honest to say that the lack of μ's contents sometimes makes it hard to support and ended me supporting more of Aqours instead... 

That's why the announcement of μ's being back was great news! 

However, I do not know why but I feel a sense of... Disconnection from Love Live recently; or rather from mid 2018 onwards where my work life started...

It could be due to work or maybe how there weren't much Aqours activities available for overseas fans... 

And the introduction of a new group doesn't help... Once was enough; a second time just made it bad...

As of now, I am still debating whether to get Aqours Club 2019... Seeing as I don't even read the blogs, apply for fan meets nor buy exclusives from the shop, I don't see the worth in buying(-.-)

Although, I would still get the singles; the upcoming 4th center single and (maybe) sif collaboration singles!

Plus I'm going for this year's SIF thanksgiving festival(as well)! 

And that had been my 5 years journey with Love Live as a whole! 

I would say I had a lot of firsts with Love Live and if I had never been into this fandom, I doubt would experience so much and be the person I am now!

To end it:

HAPPY 9TH ANNIVERSARY, LOVE LIVE!

Yaiji (僕らのラブライブ9周年)

Work-Life-Venting & Art Updates

*** Venting Space- Do skip for the art updates instead... ***

After thinking much, I've decided to go, after my next trip(in September)...

Following from my previous post, I did say that I found my work manageable after finally able to do the tasks assigned to me but was worried of my next task... And guess what, my fear came true...

I was recently assigned another task beyond my skills b'cos one of my colleagues left. 

And what's worse was how all projects handled by that colleague were pushed to me...

Currently, I'm holding onto 5 projects- tho two of them are just for my maintenance sake, it's just scary to hold onto so many projects...

What's even more worse is that cos I was working on my previous project of web development, I haven't really touched on them, except for one...

If nothing goes wrong, my current working state should be "fine"; working on one project.

However,(touch wood) should any one of those handed-over projects have issues to be resolved, that's it... I may very well just break...

To be honest, I was debating to leave when I came back after one month from my march trip. 

But seeing as my supervisor is nice, I felt bad leaving(especially when there's a shortage of employees)...

However, seeing my situation, I don't think I can afford another 'heart attack' of being assigned another beyond-my-skills task...

I always told myself, no matter what people say or do, I should just be me; and not follow and do what people do, just cos it's unfair and if they can do it, why can't I?

At this rate, being myself is not gonna cut- I would have loved to leave only after finishing my 'current'(now set-aside) project of the web development but after giving this new project... I've given up.

This is gonna be the last task my supervisor is ever gonna give me- cos whether I like it or not, I'm gonna break from the stress and pressure... It's not worth it to let my health get killed over one job...

*** That's the end of my venting. *** 

Art updates(Since that last which was Jan art updates...)

Aqours Birthday Artwork:

1. Matsuura Kanan: DeviantArt | Instagram | Twitter
2. Kunikida Hanamaru: DeviantArt | Instagram | Twitter
3. Watanabe You: DeviantArt | Instagram | Twitter

Kukugumi Birthday Artwork:

1. Hanayagi Kaoruko: DeviantArt | Instagram | Twitter
2. Isurugi Futaba: DeviantArt | Instagram | Twitter
3. Tsuyuzaki Mahiru: DeviantArt | Instagram | Twitter 

Others:

• Sonoda Umi Birthday Artwork: DeviantArt | Instagram | Twitter 
• Promise Tower: DeviantArt | Instagram (Think I've shared the insta link before...?)
• Kazuno Sarah Birthday Artwork: Instagram | Twitter (yet to upload to deviantart^^;)

Upcoming works; works (already)planned for the year:

• Aqours June baby(already finished; so that I can upload the HD version on her bday:) 
• July babies- gng be busy; esp when there's one after another...
• August babies- even worse since there're two on the same day...
• September Aqours babies!- will be going to jp to celebrate my fave's bday^^(and participate in sif thanksgiving~)
• October Kukugumi baby
• [Likely] Kazuno Leah birthday artwork 

Beside upcoming works, there're a few works-done-but-yet-to-upload. 

Most of them are Pokemon (Ultra) Sun and Moon fanart- started the game a few weeks ago and was quite hyped for it until I became the champion... That said, since on the topic of Pokemon, can't wait for Sword and Shield to be out! The 3D art made Pokemon World gives a Monster Hunter feel~

^Will be uploading them soon^^

And that is all. 

Think I've been venting so much that it's an obvious sign that I hated my life even more than when I was in Uni.

Such is life;

• It's not a game where one can reset or heck care cos things don't end well; b'cos if you do, you lose. And, there is no restart button either.
• It's much like a journey where there're ups and downs. How one handle each is the experience people gained to continue this journey, until the end than giving up halfway!

Until next time, this is Yaiji signing off.

Yaiji~

~9 Months into working...

First Reiwa post~

So, it had been about 9 months since I started working on this same job and while the last jp trip helped to relief some of the... Stress and maybe burnout, it was just a momentary relief...

When I was given this project, which was a hand-over from another, I wasn't having any expectations.
However, upon working on it, I started to get irritated and frustrated as I had no prior knowledge in web design or whatsoever...
In addition, there wasn't anyone I can really turn to- my supervisor did help in giving advice but that's about it and I can understand- in the working world, you must be independent...

The learning curve was quite steep and the deadline given by my supervisor wasn't helping much... It was stressful that I dreaded coming to work... My friend even advised me to tell my supervisor about not having skills to work on the project...

Tbh, I like to give myself a chance to try before I throw in the towel... And, programming isn't too far-fetched if you've some programming skills- the syntax is almost similar with slight difference(which can be daunting... Like the semi-colon in C when you're used to python...)

But, web design is... A combination of a few languages; javascript, CSS and html... I'm just glad that the back-end is written in python which I'm familiar with- helps a little(but the structure takes a while to get used to tho...)

CSS and Html weren't too bad but the amount of terms, classes, attributes can be overwhelming... And to make it worse, there are like two libraries, materialize CSS and bootstrap and they are mutually exclusive...

^I wouldn't even know about these libraries if not for the fact that my recent assignment was to integrate a few modules, done by others, to the project I am working on... And that few modules were using bootstrap while the project was using materialize CSS...
It was a lot of work, especially when I really have no experience working with either of the libraries... A lot of the help was thanks to the internet yet it was really a draining and stressful period for me as I lived with constant fear of not able to do the integration...

That said, I somehow managed to do it but even so, that does not ease up my fear- Fear that I can't accomplish my next task... Because if I can be assigned a task that I have zero experience, I fear what other tasks can be given...

In addition, web design is not really what I wanted to do(but I can't deny that learning it is not interesting- would say "fun" if not for the stressful learning circumstances...) I had wanted to go into machine-learning...

Lastly, my health... Had waist pain due to long time spent on sitting which is the nature of my job... And with the fact that I do not know how to take break, makes it worse... Had acupuncture to help a bit but the pain is still there and to think I'm only in my early twenty... Feel like an old lady... 

All these factors are just making me dislike the job and quit it... But my supervisor is nice(even though I hated the task assigned...) and I suppose that is one of the 2 factors making me stay- the other is the fact that it won't look good on my resume if I quit before 1 year for my first job... Sigh...

It's really a dilemma... Reading online doesn't help- tho there was one advice that struck to me; your body don't lie; if you dislike, hate it, that's a signal- why would anyone willing to do something they dislike/hate...?

It's hard to find a job you really love since at some point in time, due to nature of the working world, that love will just turn into something you came to hate... Or maybe... it's just me being too difficult in working for someone...?

That's just my ramblings to vent out my feelings to my job... At this rate, I may just end it all in this year...

This is Yaiji signing off

Yaiji

Back from trip~

Came back from my trip from Japan(about a week ago)

I suppose it was a nice break after 6 months of working; felt slightly motivated to work after back(but it was a momentary thing-.- May write another post, talking about it...)

It was my first time going during Spring and maybe I was kinda too used to the summer weather, I didn't bring much thick clothing to combat the cold, thinking it was just cooling ver of summer and only brought a few long sleeves... To be exact, the temperature was alright; what made it bad was the wind... There was once, the wind was so strong that my bag felt like flying off(if not for me holding it, despite carrying it)

As a result, my hands developed cold rashes- But my hands recovered fast once back to my homeland:)

Despite this, it was fun; exploring Nagoya for the first time! And, just so happen, there was sega LLSS collaboration cafe to go to!

Got Riko drink but got Chika coaster- ChikaRiko FTW!XD

Maze Udon- not bad but was a little spicy(which I'm bad at...The rice was a great help~)

Naturally, tried 2nd years parfait- surprisingly the ice-cream was not mikan but peach(while first years' got the mikan... Even tho Yoshiko hates it...)

See my insta for more pics:)

There's also LLSS premium pop-up shop at Tokyo(which lasted until 13/3 and by the time I went on the 2nd last, the file to be given for every 3000 yen spent was already over...) And, most of the merch were gone too...

Regardless, I still spent a fair bit in getting the acrylic standee of ChikaRiko and gacha quite a lot for the mini standee too...

(Forgot to take pic of muse's...)

Too cute>< And got the muse: baka trio~ No Umi/Riko, glad to get Honoka^^ 

Also went to Gallery x Parco exhibition of Revue Starlight transition stageplay 2 in Shibuya- had a hard time finding it since the place was actually a small place with dark entrance... As such, actually walked past a few times before finding it(for such places, google maps is not really your best friend...) 

Spent a fair bit to get the postcards:

No Hikari(T.T) But, all the members looked really good in this outfits!

And gacha again for 3 times(cos I can only afford that many...) No Hikari or Karen but got JunNana!(Plus Futaba~)
That Junna without her glasses looks great~ Think Nana seems to be blessing me lately; her sun nation ver came to me and now getting both her postcard and badge!

See my insta for more pics~

In addition, as my family went to Mishma Skywalk and there was time, was able to stop by Numazu(and ate a meal at Sun Sun Sunshine Cafe~) to get some of the new stamps and badges(near to the station), plus get the latest LLSS x noppo bun(which I kinda regretted getting one cos it was quite good!!!- flavor was tiramisu!)

If I am to compare this to the maze udon that I ate in sega collaboration cafe, I would prefer this(and they are of same price...I think...) And, just one meal, got 2nd yrs' coaster~

Didn't ate this; my family ordered and thought the rainbow thingy was jam but it was actually cheese...

Water blue new world parfait- just love blue stuff^^ And the coaster is Saint Snow(in awaken the power outfits!)  

saw it while getting the stamps~

The badges gotten~ The gk's was a surprise since it was valentine day exclusive! 

LLSS shopping plastic bag- only exclusive to purchases in numazu~

Wish I gotten more...

Following that, I went to Kanda Shrine to celebrate Umi's birthday! And, experience a miracle of seeing Sakura!- it was really unexpected since no sakura should be blooming in Tokyo during the period that I went; yet it did.

And, subsequently, saw more sakura at a temple(called yushima-seido)near the shrine and went there, finding not just sakura but pink roses as well!

Lastly, went to Odaiba to see the gundam Unicorn Statue- it was RX-78-2 statue the last time I went... And watched the light show and found an awesome song called Cage by SawanoHiroyuki[nZk]:Tielle!(was looping quite a few times while working~)

Recorded the light show and only to found out that 3min++ video was recorded without sound...(*cries*)

Before the show, went to Gundam base(at 7f- and only knew the existence a few years back; even tho it existed when I last went to odaiba...*face palm*) And that visit...Blown up my budget... That place was like a paradise for gunpla fans... And their limited kits were just too much(that despite 'not much' space left at home, I bought quite an amount of kits^^;)

A pic of proof~

All in all, it was an interesting trip(like many of my other past trips) and no matter how many times I had gone to Japan, it never failed to surprise and amaze me!

And, until next time, can't wait for the type of surprises I will experience!

This is Yaiji signing off!

Yaiji~