Going through the motions...

Another episode of me venting...

Lately, I felt like I've been going through the motions; wake up and go to work like a routine and hope for the day to end while struggling to work...

Starting I was quite open and welcoming to anything as a new hire and learn. 

But now... I do not know where did all those motivation go... 

Is this burnout despite taking a break around 4 months ago? Or just a lack of motivation that had been going on since I came back from my trip...?

More importantly, did I make the wrong choice in taking up this job/career?

I find that I never did pause to think but continue to move forward as others do; cos it is the normal thing to do, no? And, in the midst of it, I think I had move forward too much that I'm at a loss...

Moving forward without much thoughts worked when one was in school since there were limited routes you can take(in the case of my country). 

But when you are in the working world, nothing is straight forward anymore and worse there is more uncertainty than before...

There is no right or wrong(until you break the law) but there is pressure everywhere that you may lose yourself in the process of trying to be yourself...

Such is how the world is and I wonder what's the meaning of living in this world... Yet there is still some beauty in this world...

Nature has this calming effect that allows me to escape from reality where there is no pressure, no expectations and I am free to be me.

In a way, it's why I like the countryside places(like numazu)- away from humans and closer to nature where it does not judge you for who you are.

No one to set standards that are 'average' and 'normal' but you struggle to achieve it and question your self-worth and point of living...

People said stress is a good motivation but I beg to differ. 

I mean under stress, people do try get things done which is what people want. 

However, is that a good way to make people get things done? Just like scolding a child into doing things or not to do it- it may do the job but is it good?      

Your body is yours. Your mind is yours. Your life is yours. 

Yet with the current world, how confident can you say that your body, mind and life is yours?

As of now, I do not know if I can last until my next trip(in Sept)... Will see how things go... 

Though I believed I'm at my limits; struggling to work while getting the motivation had been giving me headaches- it's like forcing yourself to do something you hate and your body felt betrayed by your mind...

It's also why I had been sleeping late- I do not want the day to end and go to work on the next day... 

I wonder if I can really endure such routine until my trip... July gonna be a nightmare month for me...

That's the end of my venting...

A little art updates:

• Done working on this week's July babies for Kukugumi and Aqours! 
• Will be working on the other July baby of Kukugumi in the following week~ 
• Inspired from this month's Dengeki G's magazine special of Chika cover, will be working on an art of both u's and aqours!- Currently, in the planning stage... 

That's about it.

Until next time, this is Yaiji signing off.

Yaiji