Lone Young life
And influenced by animes since young, I thought if I just walked up and asked nicely, maybe that's how friends r made? But that was just a childish idea...
Still rmb it was when I was in my primary sch, I always see the boys playing at one side and just want to join in cos it's fun. While they did let me, I could see they didn't really welcome me... Maybe cos I was a girl...?
Since then, I decided I would just do my own stuff, alone; I would spend my break time doing homework so that I've less work to do at home~ Instead of mingling with my classmates- wasn't close with anyone tbh...
In a way, I envied my siblings who have friends they can talk to easily and even got invited out(tho the spending is another matter...)
Start of friendship
The situation improves when I was Secondary school as I got to know a girl who just so happened, like me, didn't have a table and chair to sit in the class(there was a lack of 'resources') and she also became my 'partner' in class. She had a group of friends who were from the same pri sch and there were all kind ppl to let me into their mini grp tho that time, I was shy and normally just gt dragged/followed around~ But the difference was that, they cared.
Learning(to be a friend)
It's a habit(due to pri sch) to go off on my own during break time; I would either be doing work or walking around to explore the sch a bit- kinda neglecting my stomach^^; When the break was up to return to classroom, they actually asked me, Where did I go and whether I wan to hang out the next time... It was then, I think I just have found some great friends~
In addition, there r times I walked with them to the bus-stop or hang out after school. It was one of best school days I ever had and knew that... Having friends is such an awesome feel!
But first, due to normally being alone, I wasn't used to working with ppl... Thus, waiting for ppl was an alien concept to me since it wastes my time & no one do wait for me before(except maybe my family) but I learned to when I started to have friends waiting for me!
It was hard at first cos I'm really tempted to move; had to remind myself that it's for my friends...
After that, there's the 'skill' to moving with friends... Again, being alone means you r walking on your own pace and maybe I'm the type that just want to keep moving that I tend to walk faster... And it brought conflict sometimes esp when one of my friends pointed out...
That was an awkward incident and kinda hurts me a little cos I know I'm not doing good as a friend but to be pointed out... It's even worse...
The reality...
The way I wrote all those, ppl may laugh cos being a friend shouldn't be so hard or need a guidebook but for me... It was really hard cos I didn't understand the concept of friend till sec sch... Before knowing the nature of friends that...Not all 'friends' are friends or should I say true friends...
Life isn't a fairytale where friendship lasts forever and never changing... I... Really wan friends like those in animes who would stood by and support when u r at your worst yet as one who just work at my own pace, I can't ask that when I myself couldn't do it...
I actually had to try hard to be kind and considerable to ppl when it should be natural... I really had no idea what to do to comfort ppl but I wan to... It's a... Conflicting and difficult situation that I, until now, couldn't... Do it...
Maybe I had been alone for too long that I lost the ability to match myself with others... It feels so hard to actually be on pace with others sometimes that I wondered... Where, what, how did it go wrong???
Reason for blogging
Started blogging on this topic cos just recently, my family, my sis' bf and I went to a haunted house at a carnival organised by my sis' sch.
And I was the first to go in; my bro who supposed to be the first, gt scared and I being the 2nd, gt pushed forth- digressing a bit.
It was pitch black that really can't see anything but lights placed to guide(the lights were very dim tho...) As I was scared myself as a first, I just kept moving forth with the idea of not to look back cos u never know and I didn't realise my bro wasn't behind me-.-'' And I left my grp while walking alone till they called for me...Want to call back but worried I scream if I do; was trying to not to open my mouth much to reduce the risk^^;
Naturally, I was first to finish- was thankful to see the exit~ When the rest finished, they asked where am I and kinda irritated by me walking off on my own...
While it was nothing serious, I can't help ponder... Maybe I really am just a selfish person who only cares about herself... And maybe it's cos of me being a lone wolf for too long... I had many instances of nightmares of myself walking off alone and ended up dead or all sort of troubles...
Is solitude good?
I used to think, being able to work independently is a form of strength and that even if no one is going to support me, I'm not going to back down...
But without anyone for support, it also means insecurity to me and as one who has low self-esteem and confidence, it's even worse...
Walking in front with ppl following behind, is called leading but walking in front without anyone behind or beside you...It's called Lonely...
Men were never meant to be in solitude yet I believed I could which were just me trying to be strong for myself...
Yaiji~
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