Last post of this year and this blog as well

It's been about a month but today's post will be the last one of this year and this blog.

First, I am writing this while I am down with a bad flu so I am going to keep this short.

Next, it will be the last post of this blog as I have planned to do a daily diary for the next year, thus it is likely I will be writing (and venting) on my diary instead. That said, I am not going to remove this blog since it holds quite a number of memories for me. I shall see how this diary thingy work out and decide again whether to come back (lol)

Last but not least, I would like to pen some stuff; mostly about how I set a resolution to love myself more by priortising myself. I realised it is a hard process recently since I wouldn't want people to dislike me and while ppl would say you cannot please everyone, a part of me wants that and denying it is as good as denying my own wellbeing... In that case, the only way to get out of this, was to change the mindset that it is good enough to have ppl who matter to not dislike you. It will be hard but I will try working towards that.

That's all then (time for the sick person to rest... Though I have an artwork to finish and post by today as last post but considering my current condition, I shall take a step back). Somehow, it feels like my body is telling me to rest and take a break cos I hadn't been getting good rest-.- I guess I'm paying for it now...

Before ending, it's a bit late but Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! 

Yaiji~

Back from vacation

Just like that, my 7-days vacation is over. This post is about expressing my thoughts for the trip- will be a small post as I am still tired (taking a day off after back is a good decision)

^There is a bit of venting but I kinda expected since my character does put yourself in a tough spot which I am trying to be better at it.

First, the excitement of going on the trip was there and I would say the first few days of the trips were great since the sight-seeing of maple leaves was awesome!

Then came the last few days of the trip where well, it was mainly shopping and that's when it went a little bad. I suppose the difference in wavelength between me and the group was the foreshadow? I mean I suppose I can take it if my back wasn't breaking while looking at stuff that didn't interest me (lol)

All in all, what I learned from the trip: get my own wifi router/sim card and bring a smaller bag for going out instead (haversack is ok if it's shopping where you walk and rest frequently... I guess?)  

Aside from that, I didn't buy much since I was thinking more of myself and well, I guess it's a 'rule' to buy stuff back for your loved ones (and maybe work colleagues), and my family wasn't that impressed...? My character of not wanting to disappoint really made me regret not buying more... 

That's said, I like to still put myself first; after all, this is my trip. At least that's what I want to think but deep in my heart, I feel like I failed... Sigh... And, I start reflecting and blaming other factors which in actual fact, it was just me been scared of stepping out of my comfort zone... I need to step up and be firm in what I want to do than doing what people think I should do.

You know sometimes figuring out what went wrong and working on it are two different steps to take. I like to think I do reflect but I seldom act on it as it is quite scary. In that sense, I will try my best; it may not be perfect but I will try until the day I succeed (and let's hope I do remember on my next trip if there is one, lol)

That is all; I may do a post on the stuff I did during my vacation.

Yaiji (I fear about my work tomorrow now-.-) 

Hectic work days but I survived and going on a vacation:)

Work had been hectic; especially when you are alone working on one test case that blown up to be like a project now-.-

Nonetheless, I can finally catch my breath as I survived until this week where I am going on a vacation:) While it sucks that the 'test case' isn't done and I will need to continue when I am back from vacation, at least my boss, supervisor and the client understand and acknowledge my vacation.

^As the saying goes, what doesn't kill you made you stronger so I guess surviving such work days help to build up my resilience (even tho I am close to throwing the white towel...)

So, this post is a small update before my flight in around 5 hours! I will try update more when I am back..? (Feel like a lie since work is going to take up my time and energy again...)

Yaiji~

PS: Hopefully, this vacation will relieve some of my stress and catch up on my sleep...

Maybe validation from yourself is sufficient

Hi, I am back with another post where I took 2-days leave and it's ending today... 

I was looking forward to this 2-days leave as work had been crazy...

<Cue venting part on work>

I was assigned to work on something that I completely have no experience and I am expected to make and update my progress every week...

If progress in terms of saying I am learning this and that is sufficient, it wouldn't be that stressful but the progress here means giving the desired results that the client expected weekly...

If I have experience, this hectic weekly update wouldn't be a problem but the current situation is that I have no experience in it; I am unable to proceed well and fast with confidence and I hate rushing work since it means I need to heck care details and submit a half-assed work which goes against my own principles (and lately, I have to do a lot of such things due to dumb decisions made...)

Until now, you may be thinking, "why don't I tell my supervisor or boss about it?". The thing about this is that, first, my supervisor does know about my no-experience in this work but I suppose with the current manpower situation in my department, my supervisor doesn't seem to have much choices; people with the experience are occupied... I guess. And, the second thing is that this work was passed from a colleague to me with the same reason; the colleague could not do the work.

I will be honest and say that if there was enough time and maybe preparation like training, this work wouldn't be a problem but well, my supervisor or boss just has the great idea to throw a person without experience like me to do this work which has high demands.- I would say at the start, it was fine since it was testing of some software tools and I can manage it (as the documentation of the tools were good). But the moment it escalated into something like setting up something complicated in another new software, the learning (or rather progress) curve just went so steep that currently, I am struggling to keep up.

I can't wait to just end this work and I thought last week's update was the last since the client said the testing was sufficient but no, the client decided that more testing is needed to verify the limit of the software tool. At that point, I had no words to express my feelings. Then, there's the dread that I took 2-days leave. I could cancel it but I was like... I need this before I was thrown back to hell.

And so... Despite having that 2-days leave, I couldn't really enjoy as work was haunting me... I thought of working a little but the reluctance is strong and I ended up checking my emails today.

^It was a horrible experience when I saw the setup that the client wants to test and I freaking had no idea how to set it up.

The worse is that setup is only the start; I still need do testing where I need to write custom tests and if I can't do the setup, how am I supposed to start the testing and I am expected to report my testing by this Friday?! It was too much that it's a headache... 

I took my friend's advice to ask for extension but only to receive reply from my supervisor that the client still wants an email update... The moment I saw that reply, I just gave up... I mean the whole point of extension is that there is no "worthly" progress to update but the client still wants an update... I mean I will just have to flow with it; they are the clients.

At this point, all I can do is to just try my best to do what I can and update whatever I can... If the client or the boss is not impressed, I can do nothing but make them think how incompetent I am... Sigh...

You know this feels so depressing that I feel like crying while I am writing this but I won't cos it's not worth it; It's not worth crying over something that is so against you that you have been made incompetent. While some parts of me think I am incompetent because of how the client or/and the boss may think, some parts of me think maybe validation from myself is sufficient and I think I am ok.- Because even if everyone may think you sux, as long as you believe in yourself, it is sufficient. (Life is too short to be concerned about what ppl think... Yet it is really hard to avoid validation from others... Sigh...)

<end venting>

That felt nice; venting it out to compose my thoughts...

This is just a passing thought but as time goes, I chased after smaller things like just getting validation from myself.- I have always been very concerned with how ppl think of me and it is likely cos I don't have many friends and friends that I have tend to think I am weird (well, I am to a certain extent...) and sometimes I feel that I burn bridges without knowing...

These made me awkward around my friends like walking on egg shells but it ended up making me weird and well, I really don't know how to deal with human relationships since trigger points of people can be very different and once you pressed those triggers, you don't get second chances... The aftermath is so awkward and suffocating that I normally hope time will heal it.- Though it does heal, there is already damage done; people are cautious around me and that is one bridge burned then, sigh.

Ok, that's enough venting. Apologies on the above. That's all; just want to pen down my thoughts since I know this week is gonna be hell when I return work but what does not kill you makes you stronger. Anw, I still need to survive to jail break the cute Dendro archon from Sumeru and get that 'lighthouse' guard from Stultifera Navis event!

Until next time!

PS: If I survive, I will update about my Hoyofest 2022 experience which I had posted in Hoyolab and maybe a post about my fave genshin char whose bday is about 3 days (that is if I finish his art...)

Yaiji~

End of 5-days vacation

Background: I took a vacation (5-days leave) to recharge and sort of reward myself after a project ended in my job. And, today is the last day of my vacation and I decided to pen down some thoughts.

First, I planned the vacation to start on the same day as Genshin version 3.0 and I think it's a good thing since this version or the new place, Sumeru is really packed with a lot of stuff! (I am currently working on the Aranana quests...)

And, another objective of my vacation was to do some house-cleaning and maybe work on some art or programming(which turned out to be wishful thinking...). While I did some house-cleaning, it was just a bit since there were much to clear... But more importantly, I realised I'm taking much longer time to do stuff... It is like I lost my drive to do anything and it took more of my head than my heart to push myself to do it... It sometimes(or maybe most of the time) ended up not done or half-done. After that, I will beat myself up for not doing the things that I planned to do for the day... Sigh...

As I thought over it (while writing this post), I feel maybe I am too hard on myself and that I should give myself some leeway since just getting up and living my life is considered an accomplishment... Of course, more can be done but the fact that I am not giving up, I suppose it is already a good thing? Not sure if this is a sign of depression but lately, there are no drives in me to do things (maybe except playing games...) When I stare at my 'hobbies', I wonder how did I feel when I did them before...

As it is, I think I am trying my best to take baby steps in life where I may stop, I may trip and take a while to stand up but as long as I don't give up, I am not losing and I tell myself not to lose cos life is precious.

That said, I did enjoy myself in this vacation where I went to Genshin Teleport event in my country on the first day of launch, 24 August 2022!

Photo taken of the teleport waypoint with Dori standee~

^Initially, I did not see the waypoint and saw the booth in the mall until I saw it, outside of the mall (lol). The following is some photos taken.

Version 3.0 art and the teleport waypoint at the back~

Tighnari~

COLLEI!!!-Love her a lot since the manga and
her interactions in the story(esp her admiration for amber) is really precious; MUST Protect!

And, if you posted a video of the event on Tik Tok (I actually created an account for this), you get a postcard(of version 3.0 art) and a random postcard of either Dori, Tighnari or Collei.

 

^I did not get Collei but Tighnari is fine~ And, love the postcard!

Aside from going to this event, I got to eat Okonomiyaki with my sister! I had been wanting to eat it but not sure if there are any restaurant in my country that sells it... And, it was great! (tho the stuff after the food was questionable...)

Lastly, I did some packing of my stuff and well, it was half-done as mentioned since I really have a junk of stuff^^; It will take time and maybe quite a big amount of time but as long as I still do it, it will be done eventually.

That is all the eventful things I did in this 5-days vacation; with the remaining on playing Genshin (lol). It's not a lot but at least I rested much without worrying work! It sux to know it is back to work tomorrow-.- I suppose time pass fast when you are having fun. Let's hope not too much stuff to handle tomorrow(maybe I should get strong coffee tomorrow...)

Until next time!

Yaiji~