Been a long while and felt the need to pen some thoughts with how drastic things had changed since the start of 2020.
First, with the current situation, many things were either put on hold or simply cancelled.- And that included my travel plans in May(which passed last week...)
While it sux a lot, it's the reality that the world is facing and as much as I want to be optimistic, I don't have high hopes that travelling aboard will be back by this year(but I still hope it will...)
Also, the current situation also screwed up my plans to switch job since been able to have a job currently is a blessing... While it's a painful drag to continue working when you've already lost the interest, for the money to survive...
Following that, my country is in a partial lock-down since April and will end in June(hopefully). And, since the start of it, I had only went out once; was planning not to go out but got to get my breakfast(cereal)...
^ Very tempted to go cycling which is allowed but for the safety of not just myself but my family, setting aside such non-essential activities till the current situation gets better...
That said, drawing helped a lot with spending time at home(and even more since my laptop charger spoiled after a few days into the lockdown...).
Talking about drawing, had planned doing birthday fanarts for both love live series and revue starlight. And besides just U's or Aqours or Kukugumi members, had included Nijigasaki members (influenced from All Stars) and relive members (love their revue outfits a lot; want to try drawing them:)
In addition, I had created a separate account for both twitter and instagram in posting my artworks. Wanted to try making an exclusive account for just my artworks and also an account where I can post without any much worries or fear...
^It's part of the reason why my current instagram does not have as much artwork as before- I will be posting some pose-practices soon and may make a post on this new account matter...
That is all. Just wanted to pen down a bit of my thoughts and update with regards to this sudden change of events since the start of the year...
Yaiji
Sunday, May 17, 2020
Tuesday, December 31, 2019
Last post of 2019: Dec Update 2
One last post of 2019 and got about an hour to go; let's keep this short to make it:
First, think this year was a hectic and mentally draining one that I had wanted to quit my job this year but ended up staying for the current project I am working on(which is now a love-hate thing...)
That said, I believed it was an accomplishment to be staying in the job for a year when I had long to quit since last year... I guessed the mindset of giving it chance, became the fuel for me to walk until this far...?
Aside from my work life, my mental health suffered a little due to how upset I was with my job that I felt like life was meaningless but of course I wasn't suicidal...
It was more like a loss of direction of where to go and that if life was just working to death for the sake of living, I rather not live...
However, that was just me being unable to think and see further from my current situation since life was unpredictable; you never know what will happen tomorrow and I guess that's what adds color to life...?
^ That said, I do feel really tired that I just really want to sleep in peace... As such, I became impatient to finish my work so that I can finally rest... But work was never-ending(or else there was no point of me working in the job) so my thinking was just gonna tire me more; especially, when I met with a problem that I can't seem to see the light...
Currently, I'm trying to do my best while at my pace that I don't tire myself out but changing old habits sure take a while to do...Sigh...(Maybe that will be my resolution for 2020)
Despite all these, I think the most important I should first learn was to love myself more than others- which I am slowly trying to accept that if I don't love or trust myself, how would people like and trust me...?
That was my reflection of my personal life of 2019.
Onto art updates:
I had uploaded all inktober works to both deviantart and pixiv.
Next, here's my summary of art of 2019(which I had already uploaded to both deviantart and pixiv as well~)
Works weren't hard to find but were hard to choose which to put since each month has either Aqours or Kukugumi Bday works to choose from for each month...
First, think this year was a hectic and mentally draining one that I had wanted to quit my job this year but ended up staying for the current project I am working on(which is now a love-hate thing...)
That said, I believed it was an accomplishment to be staying in the job for a year when I had long to quit since last year... I guessed the mindset of giving it chance, became the fuel for me to walk until this far...?
Aside from my work life, my mental health suffered a little due to how upset I was with my job that I felt like life was meaningless but of course I wasn't suicidal...
It was more like a loss of direction of where to go and that if life was just working to death for the sake of living, I rather not live...
However, that was just me being unable to think and see further from my current situation since life was unpredictable; you never know what will happen tomorrow and I guess that's what adds color to life...?
^ That said, I do feel really tired that I just really want to sleep in peace... As such, I became impatient to finish my work so that I can finally rest... But work was never-ending(or else there was no point of me working in the job) so my thinking was just gonna tire me more; especially, when I met with a problem that I can't seem to see the light...
Currently, I'm trying to do my best while at my pace that I don't tire myself out but changing old habits sure take a while to do...Sigh...(Maybe that will be my resolution for 2020)
Despite all these, I think the most important I should first learn was to love myself more than others- which I am slowly trying to accept that if I don't love or trust myself, how would people like and trust me...?
That was my reflection of my personal life of 2019.
Onto art updates:
I had uploaded all inktober works to both deviantart and pixiv.
Next, here's my summary of art of 2019(which I had already uploaded to both deviantart and pixiv as well~)
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| Template used: link |
Works weren't hard to find but were hard to choose which to put since each month has either Aqours or Kukugumi Bday works to choose from for each month...
Lastly, the December work seen in the summary is the chibi versions done of the Aqours 2019 bday art- Will be uploading soon(tho already uploaded to twitter...); can see a preview from my deviantart cover photo;)
That is all for last art update of 2019! Looking forward to how the summary of art for 2020 will look like:)
Before ending, 2019 may not exactly be a good year for me, I think the experiences I gained would serve to build a stronger and resilient me for the years ahead till I find that one reason to live life!
Until next year then!
Yaiji~
PS: This may be my last few posts as I find less motivation to blog- may just come back any time to pen my thoughts but think those times will be lessened more in the years ahead...(I am not gonna close the blog; it's fun and interesting to reread some old posts and revisit those moments^^)
Sunday, December 8, 2019
Year's coming to an end... Dec Update 1
To think there are only about 3-4 more weeks to the end of the year, time really flies...
And, here I am, still working at the company that I had ranted so much that I was planning to leave after my sept trip but still stayed...
I did mention once that the project that I am currently working on, seems interesting enough to make me stay...
Initially, the aspect of being able to touch on machine-learning during the project was the driving point... But somehow, that aspect changed much that I was assigned to work on the graphical user interface of the project.
Similar to when I first started working on web programming, it was tough and still is tough since I had zero experience working on it...
However, thanks to the rich documentation and forum available online, it wasn't hard to start working on it(though the amount of variables available can be a handful to look through...)
In a way, while it's tiring; looking at the variables available and choosing the appropriate ones to use, it is fun:)
It brought memories of when I was developing android apps- adding widgets, formatting them while working on the functions that each widget will do upon user inputs like clicking buttons~
That said, designing isn't my forte-.- The fun thing is being able to see & interact with what was programmed!
Considering that the project's coming to an end next year, I think it will be my last project; I don't think programming work life is working out for me... The constant exposure had left me tired of it and hating it sometimes... And that was something I was afraid, when debating whether to pursuing art as a career...
Actually, not just art; anything that I may have interest in, I was afraid that facing them everyday for work would dull my interest in it and slowly turning it to a chore and hating it...
Also, this work life is affecting my mental health a lot...
I felt drained much that I have things I want to do but the motivation is not there...
And, things that I used to enjoy, I'm losing them; Since I started work, I had stopped watching anime much...
And now, I'm actually losing interest in this series that I had followed strongly for the past few years...
It's like I'm losing more and more of myself to the point there is nothing to live for... But I am not suicidal; just living for the sake of living...
Remembered that there was once my friends asked, "Why do you wake up everyday?" and I answered, "To live another day", my answer remained unchanged even now.
Life may seem dark and empty that facing it is a hard, tough and risky task at first glance, first thought. But it is when you go face it, you learn of not just the bad but also the good aspects of life and I think that is something worth facing life for. I suppose it is a driving force for me to continue living my life that may seem pointless now but hopefully, I would find it, the point of life...Someday.
Ok, that was heavy... Somehow, when I started talking about my life, I get sentimental and just started rambling... So moving on to some art updates:
I had uploaded my inktober 2019 works onto my pixiv and started uploading the works onto deviantart in batches(to avoid spamming...) for the month of December!
Currently, working on chibi version of aqours birthday fanart. Thinking of doing chibi versions for kukugumi birthday fanart as well(but got to see my time and motivation drive^^;)
That is about it. I will be doing another update, near the end of month/year!
Yaiji~
PS: work and life had been draining enough that well, November went past without any update from me... And I'm thinking that blogging is becoming a chore; I pen my thoughts more on twitter and instagram...
And, here I am, still working at the company that I had ranted so much that I was planning to leave after my sept trip but still stayed...
I did mention once that the project that I am currently working on, seems interesting enough to make me stay...
Initially, the aspect of being able to touch on machine-learning during the project was the driving point... But somehow, that aspect changed much that I was assigned to work on the graphical user interface of the project.
Similar to when I first started working on web programming, it was tough and still is tough since I had zero experience working on it...
However, thanks to the rich documentation and forum available online, it wasn't hard to start working on it(though the amount of variables available can be a handful to look through...)
In a way, while it's tiring; looking at the variables available and choosing the appropriate ones to use, it is fun:)
It brought memories of when I was developing android apps- adding widgets, formatting them while working on the functions that each widget will do upon user inputs like clicking buttons~
That said, designing isn't my forte-.- The fun thing is being able to see & interact with what was programmed!
Considering that the project's coming to an end next year, I think it will be my last project; I don't think programming work life is working out for me... The constant exposure had left me tired of it and hating it sometimes... And that was something I was afraid, when debating whether to pursuing art as a career...
Actually, not just art; anything that I may have interest in, I was afraid that facing them everyday for work would dull my interest in it and slowly turning it to a chore and hating it...
Also, this work life is affecting my mental health a lot...
I felt drained much that I have things I want to do but the motivation is not there...
And, things that I used to enjoy, I'm losing them; Since I started work, I had stopped watching anime much...
And now, I'm actually losing interest in this series that I had followed strongly for the past few years...
It's like I'm losing more and more of myself to the point there is nothing to live for... But I am not suicidal; just living for the sake of living...
Remembered that there was once my friends asked, "Why do you wake up everyday?" and I answered, "To live another day", my answer remained unchanged even now.
Life may seem dark and empty that facing it is a hard, tough and risky task at first glance, first thought. But it is when you go face it, you learn of not just the bad but also the good aspects of life and I think that is something worth facing life for. I suppose it is a driving force for me to continue living my life that may seem pointless now but hopefully, I would find it, the point of life...Someday.
Ok, that was heavy... Somehow, when I started talking about my life, I get sentimental and just started rambling... So moving on to some art updates:
I had uploaded my inktober 2019 works onto my pixiv and started uploading the works onto deviantart in batches(to avoid spamming...) for the month of December!
Currently, working on chibi version of aqours birthday fanart. Thinking of doing chibi versions for kukugumi birthday fanart as well(but got to see my time and motivation drive^^;)
That is about it. I will be doing another update, near the end of month/year!
Yaiji~
PS: work and life had been draining enough that well, November went past without any update from me... And I'm thinking that blogging is becoming a chore; I pen my thoughts more on twitter and instagram...
Saturday, October 26, 2019
Back from trip afterthoughts and art updates
Was back from my trip weeks ago and was hit by a load of stuff, thus haven't updated for quite a while.
The trip was like my dk-number-th trip to Japan but still, I never grew tired of going to it as there are always new stuff discovered in every trip!- It's just too big to run out of stuff to explore there!
With the amount of times that I had gone, I felt familiar enough to try go on a solo trip to Japan.
Tbh, this idea of "solo trip to Japan" never crossed my mind until the recent trip... I realized, as long as I am going with people whom don't have similar interest as me, I am always going to end up with regrets of not able to do what I want...
And, maybe that is why I am always gonna come back to Tokyo/Japan since I have 'unfinished business'...
To add on, I may be just too difficult or irrational to go with people since I like to try out stuff; whether is it dumb or just a waste of time...
An example would be how I was thinking of taking the local train from Tokyo to Numazu which takes an additional of around 1h as compared to taking the bullet train. To my family, they all think this is a irrational thinking. But to me, I want to experience it since some LLSS anime fans had said that the train ride passed by some beautiful scenery and well, there is also the point that it's much cheaper than the bullet train by around half price...
I suppose people may call me dumb, retard, loser or whatever they like to call for such thinking... At the end, it's an experience that I want to experience(just once) in my life and most importantly, I am doing what I want, what I chose.- Whether it ended a disappointment like most people would think it is, at least I experienced it while people would just think it is as they expected....
^ Didn't expect to vent/rant so much; was gonna make a small update and talking how I was reading my old posts that I had some good laughs of how I was in the past.
Comparing to the present me, I would say I had grown a little; slightly more open but there are still things that will never change and that is ok- It is who I am and I am just being myself as a human with faults like any other humans have!
I'm glad I didn't restart my blog or I wouldn't have been able to look back and think back of those good and bad times I had since I started this blog, back in my JC2 time!
Some art updates:
I have already finished working LLSS and revue starlight babies and uploaded to deviantart.
Will be doing a video of the works; done in a sketchbook:)
In addition, will also be working on the chibi art of Sept LLSS babies- screwed up and hadn't had the time to work on them-.-
Work had been quite hectic- just glad that I went for the trip to catch a breather or two...
That is all; until next time~
Yaiji~
PS: I am thinking of creating a personal web to put my works like artworks, coding stuff, etc but for now, this is just a dream...
The trip was like my dk-number-th trip to Japan but still, I never grew tired of going to it as there are always new stuff discovered in every trip!- It's just too big to run out of stuff to explore there!
With the amount of times that I had gone, I felt familiar enough to try go on a solo trip to Japan.
Tbh, this idea of "solo trip to Japan" never crossed my mind until the recent trip... I realized, as long as I am going with people whom don't have similar interest as me, I am always going to end up with regrets of not able to do what I want...
And, maybe that is why I am always gonna come back to Tokyo/Japan since I have 'unfinished business'...
To add on, I may be just too difficult or irrational to go with people since I like to try out stuff; whether is it dumb or just a waste of time...
An example would be how I was thinking of taking the local train from Tokyo to Numazu which takes an additional of around 1h as compared to taking the bullet train. To my family, they all think this is a irrational thinking. But to me, I want to experience it since some LLSS anime fans had said that the train ride passed by some beautiful scenery and well, there is also the point that it's much cheaper than the bullet train by around half price...
I suppose people may call me dumb, retard, loser or whatever they like to call for such thinking... At the end, it's an experience that I want to experience(just once) in my life and most importantly, I am doing what I want, what I chose.- Whether it ended a disappointment like most people would think it is, at least I experienced it while people would just think it is as they expected....
^ Didn't expect to vent/rant so much; was gonna make a small update and talking how I was reading my old posts that I had some good laughs of how I was in the past.
Comparing to the present me, I would say I had grown a little; slightly more open but there are still things that will never change and that is ok- It is who I am and I am just being myself as a human with faults like any other humans have!
I'm glad I didn't restart my blog or I wouldn't have been able to look back and think back of those good and bad times I had since I started this blog, back in my JC2 time!
Some art updates:
I have already finished working LLSS and revue starlight babies and uploaded to deviantart.
Will be doing a video of the works; done in a sketchbook:)
In addition, will also be working on the chibi art of Sept LLSS babies- screwed up and hadn't had the time to work on them-.-
Work had been quite hectic- just glad that I went for the trip to catch a breather or two...
That is all; until next time~
Yaiji~
PS: I am thinking of creating a personal web to put my works like artworks, coding stuff, etc but for now, this is just a dream...
Saturday, September 7, 2019
Starting Sept with a hectic work schedule
August ended last week and to think the month seemed long that I can't wait for September to come(mainly cos of my trip)
But now, I wished it didn't ended that fast...
The sudden hectic work schedule hit me hard this week...
Monday came with new urgent stuff for one of the projects that I am working on and afterwards, things went bad b'cos of company restrictions that I had to use my own hotspot to continue working-.-
While my supervisor did try provide a solution for 'my' issue/problem, I really had no idea if it works and trying out after getting many warnings is gonna be so bad if the solution fails and I get another warning- I can't afford to fail anymore which my supervisor don't seem to understand.
^So I rather sacrifice a little; by using my hotspot than risk my stale reputation, caused by tasks assigned by supervisor, whom should have done risk management before assigning(but at this point, I have already lost faith and trust in my supervisor that I am not surprised by this repercussion...)
Next, due to the urgency of the task, I stayed behind longer for two nights so that the program can run more and longer- Tbh, I was quite surprised I was willing to stay/ot since I had already stopped caring much for the job...
I care much for my life outside of work and always tried to make it for my family dinner but b'cos of these tasks, I forsaken them for two days and dang, that feeling sux... And, to add on, I couldn't spend much time with my pet terrapin...
This agony ended when the program is finally done on Friday(but the results aren't fantastic so I guess it's another problem for later...Sigh...)
Besides this, I was dealing with an issue that my colleague has of my department file server- Now that I think back, I wonder why did I help when it isn't really my job nor do I have the time but I helped...
It was quite tiring and stressful that I had no one whom I can turn to for more advice on this. What's worse was that there was no safe net; I must resolve this issue!
I'm just lucky that one of the suggested solutions from the net resolved it...
Lastly, the long awaited stuff for my other side project(assigned to me for good exposure and experience) was finally given to me after much chasing and waiting.
Working on it is the real challenge as I had no prior knowledge nor experience in this. And adding on to the pressure of it being urgent is not helping much... I am hoping much to get this side project to be done before I go for my holidays; at least I can enjoy my holidays in more peace than now...
And, that was my awesome first week of Sept- Now that I have pen down, I'm surprised all these happened over just one week. No wonder work was constantly on my mind- whether was it during lunch time or after work... Even now, it is still on my mind; worrying if I can finish them...
Moving on to a small art update:
Just uploaded all works done from March to August to Pixiv: https://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=76665320
This compilation not only contains the birthday fanarts done for Aqours and Kukugumi but also some doodles done in my mini sketchbook- I will be doing a short video to showcase my sketchbook when it is fully filled~
As mentioned in my previous post, I've already done the Sept babies and will do the uploading during my trip^^
That is all then. Apologies for the long venting of my work life; venting is a form of platform for me to collect my thoughts and let them out while sometimes discovering stuff that I may or may not have think of- You can say it is a build of self-awareness about myself...?
Yaiji~
But now, I wished it didn't ended that fast...
The sudden hectic work schedule hit me hard this week...
Monday came with new urgent stuff for one of the projects that I am working on and afterwards, things went bad b'cos of company restrictions that I had to use my own hotspot to continue working-.-
While my supervisor did try provide a solution for 'my' issue/problem, I really had no idea if it works and trying out after getting many warnings is gonna be so bad if the solution fails and I get another warning- I can't afford to fail anymore which my supervisor don't seem to understand.
^So I rather sacrifice a little; by using my hotspot than risk my stale reputation, caused by tasks assigned by supervisor, whom should have done risk management before assigning(but at this point, I have already lost faith and trust in my supervisor that I am not surprised by this repercussion...)
Next, due to the urgency of the task, I stayed behind longer for two nights so that the program can run more and longer- Tbh, I was quite surprised I was willing to stay/ot since I had already stopped caring much for the job...
I care much for my life outside of work and always tried to make it for my family dinner but b'cos of these tasks, I forsaken them for two days and dang, that feeling sux... And, to add on, I couldn't spend much time with my pet terrapin...
This agony ended when the program is finally done on Friday(but the results aren't fantastic so I guess it's another problem for later...Sigh...)
Besides this, I was dealing with an issue that my colleague has of my department file server- Now that I think back, I wonder why did I help when it isn't really my job nor do I have the time but I helped...
It was quite tiring and stressful that I had no one whom I can turn to for more advice on this. What's worse was that there was no safe net; I must resolve this issue!
I'm just lucky that one of the suggested solutions from the net resolved it...
Lastly, the long awaited stuff for my other side project(assigned to me for good exposure and experience) was finally given to me after much chasing and waiting.
Working on it is the real challenge as I had no prior knowledge nor experience in this. And adding on to the pressure of it being urgent is not helping much... I am hoping much to get this side project to be done before I go for my holidays; at least I can enjoy my holidays in more peace than now...
And, that was my awesome first week of Sept- Now that I have pen down, I'm surprised all these happened over just one week. No wonder work was constantly on my mind- whether was it during lunch time or after work... Even now, it is still on my mind; worrying if I can finish them...
Moving on to a small art update:
Just uploaded all works done from March to August to Pixiv: https://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=76665320
This compilation not only contains the birthday fanarts done for Aqours and Kukugumi but also some doodles done in my mini sketchbook- I will be doing a short video to showcase my sketchbook when it is fully filled~
As mentioned in my previous post, I've already done the Sept babies and will do the uploading during my trip^^
That is all then. Apologies for the long venting of my work life; venting is a form of platform for me to collect my thoughts and let them out while sometimes discovering stuff that I may or may not have think of- You can say it is a build of self-awareness about myself...?
Yaiji~
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