[Updates] Overwhelmed...

2 weeks into my job and I felt the stress and pressure of not performing well there...

Maybe it's due to the string of 'failures' I'm kinda of facing while running the program I just managed to set up and run... 'Failures' as in I don't see any the results I feel I should expect to have... And there's also the thing that I do not know what to expect... Like I'm doing something while wearing a blindfold... It's scary that at one point, I felt like quitting but it's only 2 weeks...

After consulting with my family, I received different types of advice like "if it is too stressful for you, why bother staying and make life hard for yourself" or "this stress I speak of is actually just stress I'm giving myself", etc.
As such, I'm going to give myself until this year and see how is it.

In addition, my stress also comes from the environment...
At first, I didn't pay much attention to it but as I work, the fact that most people or rather my colleagues in my department are mostly PhD makes me feel inferior... Plus the job is a research-based; it's like I'm at a disadvantage and everyone seems to know what they are doing without much help... I mean I have my supervisor that I can approach to consult but I'm not even sure if I should bother him when he seems busy...

There's another factor; which is lunch time...
As a new hire, I would join my department whenever they go for lunch so that I don't get left out and also to get to know the places I can have lunch, near the work place- And I did; I know of some places(and slight cheap food) that I can have lunch.
However, they tend to go to the usual places(which is normal and understandable). I'm quite an adventurous person so I like to explore.
And then, there's the eating speed... I do eat fast and I didn't mind the speed that my colleagues were eating at. What I didn't like was that, right after eating, they just go back straight to the office... It's like lunch time was suppose to be break time(of 1 hr) from office and I'm back to office, staring at the com after 30 min of break... Ugh...
I would think they would like to eat and then maybe stay at the food court until the break was going to end before heading back...

^You must be wondering if I have so much complaints on eating with my colleagues, why did I even eat with them??- Beside the fact that I'm a new hire, I tend to go with the flow for fear of being an outcast... This personality or habit of mine tend to end up with me suffering, telling myself to just go with the majority while knowing I may not like it at all...
It is during this time that I either back down from voicing out or just try 'convincing' myself that it will be fun since it's something new...

^That is part of why I rather be a lone wolf than in a group; while alone, no one decides for you and you're not pressured to choose, and every choice you made is your responsibility only... Best is that you're not obligated to follow anything...
Yet, being alone can be vexing since you've no one to turn to for help or advice...

Lately, just feel plain irritation whenever ppl tell me to do this and that, especially to eat- I actually question why are there 3 meals in a day...
I know meals are important but when I don't feel like eating and people telling me to eat just irritates me so much... Sigh...

Seriously, this is getting depressing to blog... Life now feels meaningless that I wondered how did my past me continue moving in life...(Maybe cos I have a goal to graduate... Sigh...)

A small update of my art:

I have started posting the scanned works onto deviantart and will be posting one per day so as to avoid spamming. And I chose 15 or rather 16/8 cos the first work, day 1, was done 2 months ago on that very day:)

As for Instagram, I had uploaded days 1 to 29 with day 30 coming up later to end off the uploads and some afterwords~

Think I mentioned before that I was thinking of doing a YohaRiko theme book; like I did with ChikaRiko- was thinking of doing that for Inktober but feel like starting soon since I got quite a few ideas!

^Nothing is confirmed since there are work commitment to worry about...

And, I will try finish my Jap post this week, given the holidays~

Until next post, this is Yaiji signing off!

Yaiji~

PS: after reading some posts about <First Job Experience>, it seemed that it's normal to feel anxiety and overwhelmed by it, and that some of the stuff I listed here were what ppl experienced before... Felt a little better, knowing I'm not alone in this matter...