I was looking forward to this 2-days leave as work had been crazy...
Until now, you may be thinking, "why don't I tell my supervisor or boss about it?". The thing about this is that, first, my supervisor does know about my no-experience in this work but I suppose with the current manpower situation in my department, my supervisor doesn't seem to have much choices; people with the experience are occupied... I guess. And, the second thing is that this work was passed from a colleague to me with the same reason; the colleague could not do the work.
I will be honest and say that if there was enough time and maybe preparation like training, this work wouldn't be a problem but well, my supervisor or boss just has the great idea to throw a person without experience like me to do this work which has high demands.- I would say at the start, it was fine since it was testing of some software tools and I can manage it (as the documentation of the tools were good). But the moment it escalated into something like setting up something complicated in another new software, the learning (or rather progress) curve just went so steep that currently, I am struggling to keep up.
I can't wait to just end this work and I thought last week's update was the last since the client said the testing was sufficient but no, the client decided that more testing is needed to verify the limit of the software tool. At that point, I had no words to express my feelings. Then, there's the dread that I took 2-days leave. I could cancel it but I was like... I need this before I was thrown back to hell.
And so... Despite having that 2-days leave, I couldn't really enjoy as work was haunting me... I thought of working a little but the reluctance is strong and I ended up checking my emails today.
^It was a horrible experience when I saw the setup that the client wants to test and I freaking had no idea how to set it up.
The worse is that setup is only the start; I still need do testing where I need to write custom tests and if I can't do the setup, how am I supposed to start the testing and I am expected to report my testing by this Friday?! It was too much that it's a headache...
I took my friend's advice to ask for extension but only to receive reply from my supervisor that the client still wants an email update... The moment I saw that reply, I just gave up... I mean the whole point of extension is that there is no "worthly" progress to update but the client still wants an update... I mean I will just have to flow with it; they are the clients.
At this point, all I can do is to just try my best to do what I can and update whatever I can... If the client or the boss is not impressed, I can do nothing but make them think how incompetent I am... Sigh...
You know this feels so depressing that I feel like crying while I am writing this but I won't cos it's not worth it; It's not worth crying over something that is so against you that you have been made incompetent. While some parts of me think I am incompetent because of how the client or/and the boss may think, some parts of me think maybe validation from myself is sufficient and I think I am ok.- Because even if everyone may think you sux, as long as you believe in yourself, it is sufficient. (Life is too short to be concerned about what ppl think... Yet it is really hard to avoid validation from others... Sigh...)
<end venting>
That felt nice; venting it out to compose my thoughts...
This is just a passing thought but as time goes, I chased after smaller things like just getting validation from myself.- I have always been very concerned with how ppl think of me and it is likely cos I don't have many friends and friends that I have tend to think I am weird (well, I am to a certain extent...) and sometimes I feel that I burn bridges without knowing...
These made me awkward around my friends like walking on egg shells but it ended up making me weird and well, I really don't know how to deal with human relationships since trigger points of people can be very different and once you pressed those triggers, you don't get second chances... The aftermath is so awkward and suffocating that I normally hope time will heal it.- Though it does heal, there is already damage done; people are cautious around me and that is one bridge burned then, sigh.
Ok, that's enough venting. Apologies on the above. That's all; just want to pen down my thoughts since I know this week is gonna be hell when I return work but what does not kill you makes you stronger. Anw, I still need to survive to jail break the cute Dendro archon from Sumeru and get that 'lighthouse' guard from Stultifera Navis event!
Until next time!
PS: If I survive, I will update about my Hoyofest 2022 experience which I had posted in Hoyolab and maybe a post about my fave genshin char whose bday is about 3 days (that is if I finish his art...)
Yaiji~
