Almost everyday, I just want to have a good rest and ask myself when can I enjoy that... It sounds like I am dying but yes, I am feeling that, everyday. I just want to put my head down and rest without worry but I know I can't; not with the amount of work I got to do that are still on my table and piling up... Whenever I had fun, I felt myself wanting to forget the work I got to do later yet I know I can't. If I did, I would lose my motivation to go on... It's like a marathon. I am almost at my last lap and I know I got to push on. However, there are always escapes out there that are so tempting to take since they are much easy than finishing the race. Everyday, I felt like giving up and maybe just end my tired life but reminded myself that I am lucky to even be able to study as compared who can't. And, here I am thinking I should end my life due to the stress of the education system when there are people out there who had better reasons to want to end their lives such as stopping the pain they are feeling from the environment they live in and the illnesses they contacted.
Also, I think I rushed too much during my June holidays which as you know from my previous posts, the big improvement I had for some of my subjects. Now, when I did bad for daily assignments, partly due to my exhaustion, I felt like I am not performing well... I put much stress in myself that I have to live up to the performance I did during my SA2 but now... I realized I should just act in my normal way because I am trying too hard and ended up losing my confidence in the end... From the start, I know I am an average student; no one special whom is especially clever or anything. I simply did my best during my SA2 and got the results I had.-That's the fruit of my hard work. However, I know it is not enough so I got to work even harder to improve even further and that's what I conclude out from my performance in SA2. As much as the improvement I gotten, in my heart, I know very well how much work I need. The improvement could be said my motivation to push on to the end but I took it hard and now... I felt like an overheated machine; still working but at a lower efficiency level... I push myself but keep slowing down as though the more I push, the less work I did...Maybe... When it's time to rest, I guess I should follow my body than my head... Sometimes, forcing does not bring about happiness...
Next... Friends... Are they really crucial in life?- I had no answer to that. I... Want to have friends and be like any other students; go to school, talk to friends, eat lunch with friends, discuss with friends, do work with friends and hang out after school with friends(maybe not at this stage...). Why am I the odd one out without many friends? Maybe because I seem cold to others...I always am the one who need pushing than the one who pushes... There was one time which my teacher asked why am I alone during break time and not with my classmates... I simply answered that my classmates have their own groups and if I joined them then I would simply be intruding.- That's I always think; afraid to approach them to have lunch, to share notes if I forgot to bring mine or simply to talk to them. Reason?- When I joined them for something, it always seemed to me that they are being held back in their activities due to my presence... And so... I distanced myself... Because of that, I am sometimes forgotten or been excluded out from class activities... It's as though I am a stranger in the class... I told myself to take my school life like University which does not need involve much of a classroom settling... How wrong I am... I can try but the reality is always before me; friends are much needed whether as a pillar of support or just as people whom you needed for a lending ear... I want to experience that but apparently it seemed impossible now, considering the walls I had placed, had grew far stretched from me to destroy them all and approach them... In a way, I grew much independent but at the cost of my social interactions...
Sometimes, I feel that I distance myself from people, probably due to me not wanting to anger anyone by avoiding interactions which will definitely bring about conflict and that idea could be a cause by an incident in my primary level education where my classmates that time wanted me to choose to 'friend' one of them in which if I choose either one of them, the other will not 'friend' me... I was put in a spot because I like both of them as my friends... Why the need for such a choice that arise from some conflict? What happened after that was a blur for me but I do know one thing... My social awkwardness arises during that level of education... Forgotten how but my interactions with classmates were never great... Since then, I had always seen alone by myself, doing work, reading or eating lunch... The first few people I could call friends, were my secondary school friends, partly due to them trying hard to get me involved. Not exactly liking the attention I gotten but glad that I met them. In a way, I first met people whom I can called friends in Secondary level of education. And now... At my pre-University education, back to being alone but met another true friend whom I can talk without much reservations! It's sad that we are at different classes but tried to meet up with her when possible!
That's about it then! I think I had ramble much... Sometimes when there's stress, there's a need to stop for a while and reflect, review and ponder of past actions before moving on to prevent the loss of one's sane level!
An awesome song to share:
Broken Down by Sevendust
Plus an awesome MGLN AMV:
All credits go to the respective singers and the up-loaders for making these videos possible!
Dark~
